My Secret Addiction

For as long as I can remember, I have battled with feelings of loneliness.  I didn't like being by myself, so I would always seek to find someone to be with.  And, even when I was in a relationship, I still felt very alone.  There have been many times when I've allowed the wrong thoughts to control my every move.  And, yes, Satan took full advantage of it, to the point where I became very addicted to making sure that I was satisfied...regardless.  I had an addiction....to pornography. Here is my story:

It all started when I was around 14 years old.  At this age, I've often dealt with low self esteem, not feeling wanted or pretty.  I was really good at covering up how I felt, and chose not to share it with anyone because I thought they wouldn't understand.  I often felt as if I had to remain strong around my friends and not show any signs of weakness.  I was also complimented by teachers on how mature I've carried myself and how I've always kept a smile on my face.  But no one could ever see the pain I was dealing with behind the smile.  No one ever knew that I went home broken, almost everyday from school.  One Saturday night, I remember I stayed up longer than I should have.  I was flipping through the channels and I came across a movie with two people having sex.  But, it didn't look like it was normal.  It was more shown than a typical movie that shows love scenes.  My eyes lit up and I was instantly engaged, so much so to the point that I found out that every Saturday around that time, this channel plays these kind of movies.  I made it my point to watch it again. Slowly, the grasp of this was pulling me closer.

As I got a little older, I noticed how I would find time to be alone.  Even while I attended VA State, I've watched it over and over again, almost daily.  I've downloaded movies and stashed it on my computer. No one ever knew about it.  When I gave my life to Jesus in March of 2005, I've learned in the bible that this was a type of sexual sin.  I knew it was wrong, but I felt like I was in too deep.  I should have reached out for help.  I had mature saints all around me, but I felt so bad to even discuss it.  You don't ever hear about women battling with pornography. With those thoughts in mind, I kept watching it and this time, I went even further....I masturbated to get the satisfaction I needed.

As time went on, the urge grew and I became addicted.  It got to the point where sometimes I couldn't get through the day without having some type of video playing and replaying in my head of what I've watched.  By the time I met my ex-husband, I knew that I had to stop watching it.  I never told him that I had a problem.  I assumed that if I pray, it would go away.  As soon as we were married, I've worked very hard to make sure that I don't ever watch it again.  But, as problems arose in the intimacy department of our marriage, it seemed as if porn was at the fore front of my mind.  I wasn't being pleased by him at all, so I found myself masturbating.  I remember confessing to him that I have done things and he told me that I was selfish and that was sodomy (yeah I know that's not what it means now).  As he continued to blame me, a took it up to another level. I started watching porn again, and he never knew anything about it.

I remember when I was introduced to G. Craige Lewis of ExMinistries in 2006, I was completely blown away by this man who stated that the music you are listening to has an effect on you. Sure, I believed that the Rap did, but I had no idea that RnB affects you as well.  In another DVD, he talked about the spirits of Sucubus and Incubus and how they intermingle with each other to visit you in the night, especially if you were involved in any kind of perversion, i.e. pornography to try to take advantage of you.  I was terrified and couldn't believe that these type of spirits were real, yet alone have names.  So, I prayed and asked the Lord to help me break free from the porn addiction.  Well, one night, I don't know if I was dreaming, but I remember something being on top of me and holding my mouth shut. I saw a huge, dark figure with wings.  I screamed to the top of my lungs, but it was as if no one could hear me.  I felt like I couldn't breathe.  This being was literally riding me and it hurt so bad.  It felt as if I was being raped.  I woke up breathing very heavy and I cried terribly.  I knew that I needed to talk to someone about what I experienced, but once again, the thoughts of condemnation were in my head.  So, I isolated myself from everyone because I didn't want anybody to sense that something was wrong with me.

I hid this addiction for several years after that experience.  I got into another relationship with a guy named Mike* in September 2010.  Crazy thing about this one is that he told me that he was addicted to porn as well.  We vowed to help each other with this.  Mike* downloaded software on my computer and set a password to block all porn sites.  I've done the same on his computer, but it didn't make it any better because we were having sex all the time.  So, that only made matters worse.  I started attending his church where he served as a Deacon.  It dawned on me that maybe he shouldn't be serving until he broke free from this.  But, I never said anything because I was dealing with the same thing myself.  In September of 2011, he invited me to come visit him in Indiana as he was sent there by his job to train.  He flew me out and we had a wonderful time.  The night before it was time for me to fly back home, I asked him if I could use his computer to check-in.  As soon as I typed the website, I seen a link that obviously pointed to porn.  I was in shock.  I didn't know how he figured out my password so that he now has access.  I immediately got mad and told him about it.  He said that he didn't know how to fight off the urges of being alone without me so he slipped up.  I had no mercy for him.  I felt unappreciated and unwanted.  It didn't dawned on me that I was doing the same thing he was doing, so how can I condemn him? I couldn't.  I remember going to sleep that night and I had a dream that Mike* walked up to my bed.  He said in a deep voice "what are you trying to do to me? what are you trying to do to me?!"  He then grabbed me by the throat and I literally felt like I was being lifted off the bed. His grip was so tight that I couldn't breathe.  I woke up and I told Mike* the dream.  He said he would never do that to me, but I knew that this addiction was deeper than I thought.  I knew I needed help. I wanted to freedom.  So, we eventually broke up and from there, I made up my mind that I wanted to be free, and I was going to be alone and not get into another relationship until the Lord released me.

Please stay tuned as I share how I got free from this addiction tomorrow.  I will also provide resources that has helped me along the way in my deliverance.  If any woman who is reading this post and is battling with the addiction to porn, please note that YOU ARE NOT ALONE.  We don't talk about this touchy subject as often as we should, and therefore many women don't know how to break free.  But, I have determined in my mind to share this story so that you may be healed and delivered as well.  Trust me, it is not an overnight process, but I PROMISE  you that Lord can and will help you through this!  I am here for you and willing to pray for you if need be.  If God can deliver me, he can deliver you!