Part 4...
Since Jonathan* came home from deployment, there has been argument after argument. It has gotten to the point where sometimes he would sleep in the living room on the couch because we couldn't resolve our issues. Once again, I prayed and cried out to the Lord asking for help....asking that he show me what to do. I was confused and I already heard divorce in my head. I was desperate for change. I decided to talk to my pastors about our situation.
One Sunday, when Jonathan had duty on the ship, I pulled my pastor aside and told him about the issues in my marriage. I told him that I needed some help in getting Jonathan to attend because I didn't think that he would want to come. The pastor told me to talk to him and see if he is willing. The next day I told Jonathan about my conversation with the pastor. He looked at me real strange and asked, "Lavena, why did you go to him without talking to me about it? I thought we agreed to not do anything without letting the other person know about it first?" At this point, I was angry. I told him that we needed help and I thought it was best to let the pastor know so that we could get not only some practical advice but also spiritual advice. His response was, "I really don't want them in our business. I rather deal with someone that doesn't know us." Wow...ok, I thought. So, I went along with it. That next week, I got in touch with a Christian Psychotherapy Service and scheduled an appointment. I told Jonathan about it and asked if he was willing to go. Surprisingly, he said yes. We arrived at our appointment with the therapist. It was a woman. Oh Lord, I thought. I wonder how he would feel about a woman telling him what to do. He feels that only a man can help him and a woman really can't relate, which I agree, but at this point, I was hoping that he would at least give her a chance. I remember her asking if there was intimacy in our marriage. I took a deep breath and told her no. As I looked at her, I can tell that she was shocked in what she heard, but she quickly looked down and began to write more on her pad. She suggested that we should try foreplay, to learn one another and get comfortable with each other. She told us that if it pushes us to have sex, she said don't allow it. I want you to come back with your results next week. She asked Jonathan if that's something he can try. He said yes. And of course, I said yes. I hope he listens to her, I thought.
That night, and once again, I put on something nice and prayed that he would take the advice of the therapist. He was laying in the bed and I began to tell him how much I loved him and how I would like to make this work. I kissed on him and once again, he wasn't impressed. So, I tried to rub on his penis, and he moved my hand away, again. This time, I became very frustrated and asked him why is he doing this? He says, "You are not doing it right. Just leave me alone." He turns over and goes to sleep. I was really getting tired of being told that I'm not doing something right. I was tired of being the blame for us not being intimate. I felt like I wanted to snap at him, but instead, I swallowed my frustrations and tried to go to sleep. In the middle of the night, I felt him put his arms around me and begin to rub up against me. I'm tired of this!! It's not the real thing and he thinks I'm being pleased by this? I got up and went in the living room and went to sleep.
One day, when I was at work, I started to experience sharp pains in my abdomen. I didn't know what it was. I couldn't be pregnant, so what else could it be? The pain was so unbearable, I was hunched over at my desk. My boss told me that I should leave and go to patient first. I called Jonathan and told him what happened. He told me he would be there. The doctors ran a couple of tests on me and told me that they discovered an ovarian cyst on my left ovary. They told me that I would need to get ultrasounds so that the doctors can keep an eye on it. Jonathan asked him what does it come from? The doctor told him that it is common among women, but it can come from having other sexual partners or from a sexually transmitted disease. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I began to think about the men I slept with in the past and I immediately began to believe that maybe this is my punishment for disobeying God. I cried in that office. They put me on meds and told me to visit my doctor to schedule the tests. When we arrived home, Jonathan had the nerve to say, "Lavena, we are going to pray that the Lord heals you, but until then, I don't want us to keep trying to be intimate if this is in you. I don't want nothing to pass down to me." At that point, I blacked out. All I can remember is getting very angry at him and I pushed him up against the wall and started throwing things. For the first time, he called me a b*tch and told me that he was calling the police. I laughed at him. What can they possibly do? I have done nothing to him to harm him. The police arrived and he told them what happened. The officer said something that I couldn't believe I was hearing. He told Jonathan he can press charges if he wanted to. I heard him say, "I don't want to press charges on my wife." The officer said, "We still have to take her in, because she is the aggressor. When she calls you, you can come get her." I remember coming out of my room and the officer said, "I'm sorry to do this ma'am, but because your husband called about you, we have to take you in."
He proceeded to hand-cuff me and walk me out to the police car. I felt low and embarrassed. I felt like a criminal sitting in a small back-seat of a police car. The officer tried to make me feel better by telling me he's only doing his job and he doesn't believe that I will be in any kind of real trouble, but I couldn't help but cry. I felt like crap and I knew from that point on, I didn't want to be with Jonathan anymore. It's over! I'm done! I made up in my mind that I was ready for a divorce. As they brought me in, I remember being fingerprinted and they took a mug shot of me for processing. I literally felt like the scum of the earth. I know longer felt pretty. I felt like a criminal. They put me in this room, where I was surrounded by three other guys. One of them asked me, "What is a pretty girl like you doing in here?" I told them that my husband called the police on me because I pushed him and threw stuff around the house. They laughed so hard they were choking. "What??!! He called the 5-0 for that? Man, he's a punk-as* b*tch!" That's exactly what they said. Another guy heard me and said, "Sweetheart, you need to leave him. He's a punk for real. He's not a real man." I listened to them and never forgot what they told me. I called Jonathan to come get me. An hour later, he shows up. Complete silence in the car. I didn't talk to him and he didn't talk to me. I knew I was done with him. I was tired of trying and everything I did it backfired. I wanted a divorce...
Tune in tomorrow for part 5. *Name is withheld.
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