This is part 2. To read the previous post, click here for part 1.
Jonathan* and I moved into a beautiful apartment in the Summer of August 2006. Boy, was I excited to have my first place, and especially with someone that I loved! I finally moved out of my parents home and now I felt independent. Jonathan helped me with decorating and we also prayed over our home so that the Holy Spirit may dwell and be in the midst of us. Since we didn't have a wedding or a honeymoon, that night was our official "honeymoon" night. I had already bought lingerie and made sure that my nails and feet were beautiful for our special night.
As I laid in the bed waiting for him to finish showering, my heart was palpitating. It felt like it was going to jump out of my throat. Why was I so nervous? I wondered if he would like what I have on. I had sex before, but this time I knew it was different because it is now alright in God's sight. We are married and therefore the bed is undefiled. I knew that I wasn't ready for children right now; in fact, I was afraid to have them. My mother has told me on several occasions that I almost didn't make it into this world. She had lost a lot of blood and it took everything for the doctors to get her healthy again. That story continued to ring in my mind since I was old enough to understand and because of it, I didn't want to have children because I was afraid it could happen to me. So, to prepare myself from any unwanted pregnancies or any complications, I began to take birth control, just for protection. As he came out of the bathroom, he looked at me and said, "You look nice." I smiled. He proceeded to get in the bed, and lay the opposite way and began to sleep. WHAT??!! All kinds of things were running through my head. Is it me? Am I pretty enough? What's wrong with him? Feeling a little confused, I said, "Honey, it's our honeymoon night. Are you ok?" He says, "Lavena, honeymoons are what people in the world do, plus I am a little tired from moving today." WAIT A MINUTE: I thought men always had a sex drive, regardless of how the day went. I was so confused and began to feel a little down. I asked him, "Is it what I have on? Do I smell bad? What is it?" He says, "No, Lavena, you look great and you smell wonderful. Lingerie really doesn't attract me. I can be attracted to you if you had on sweats. Just go to sleep." After he said that, I turned over and shed tears in silence. I went from having a high self esteem to a low self esteem. I couldn't understand why my own husband didn't want to be intimate with me. I could hear the thoughts swimming through my head. Maybe I didn't try hard enough to please him, or maybe he is really tired. I decided that I would try again tomorrow and hope that we will be ready.
As the next night approached, I put on something a little different: a tank top and shorts, just to see if he is attracted to me with it on. As he got in the bed, he said, "Ok. We are going to take this slow. I don't want to hurt you." I nodded and he proceeded to climb on top of me. No prior foreplay at all, just began to jump in the act. Ok, I can deal with that. As he was on top, he put his t-shirt over his face, and I had no ability to see him. I asked him, "Why are you doing that?" He says, "Do you want to do this or not?" I was shocked at what I was seeing and hearing from this man. I asked him how can I possibly have sex with you if I can't even see your face? He stops, and pulls down his shirt and says, "Oh, so it's about you now? How about you learn to stop focusing on yourself. In a marriage it's all about pleasing your mate. You can't please me if you are worrying about your needs." Even though I knew something wasn't right about that statement, I listened because he knew more of the bible then I did. I went to the bathroom and cried, again, asking the Lord, "Why is he treating me like this? What have I done to him? Am I being selfish Lord? Please help me understand...." Night after night, I cried, and night after night, my confidence was brought down to nothing. I felt like an ugly duckling. All that seemed to ever please him was him rubbing up against me, with clothes on. He didn't want me to turn around and face him and even when I tried to touch him, he would quickly move my hand away. But because I thought I was pleasing him, I thought I was doing right by him, so I never said anything about it. What is wrong with him? Did something happen to him? I was determined to find out.
One day, I decided to talk to him about it. I told him that I am here for him and if anything happened to him in the past, that I would help him through it and we can pray and ask God to heal him. He became very angry and says, "Nothing happened to me Lavena! I don't know why you are making this such a big deal. Sex is not the foundation of the marriage, it's only a part of it, and I refuse to let you sit here and tell me what you want. It's not about you. Maybe if you stop worrying about you, that would help me please you better." Once again, he places the blame on me, as if it is my fault that we are not intimate. I told him that I wanted to step out and get some air.
As I walked around the neighborhood, I just couldn't believe that I was going through this. Would he ever try to be intimate with me? I thought he was in love with me. Is this suppose to be love?? Or, is this what they call "marriage?" Little did I know that the promises he made to do better has never come to fruition. For the remainder of our three year "marriage", we had never consummated and we never became one...
Tune in tomorrow for part 3 of my story. *Name is withheld.
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