This is part 3. To read part 2, please click here. For part 1, click here.
January 2007. Jonathan* was due to leave on a six month deployment. I dropped him off near the ship and I stood there, waiving at him. As I saw the ship sail away, I prayed that this trip would clear his mind and that he will come back stronger than before. I really wanted our marriage to work. I knew it was going to be a process, but I was willing to go through just about anything to save our relationship.
A couple of weeks went by, and not a word from him. I remember him telling me that there will be days when he won't be able to call me, but he will try to make himself available via email. As I waited, I began to work on myself. I bought books by Dr. Myles Munroe that could help me become a better woman. I got more involved in my church to keep myself busy and to surround myself with other believers. I wanted to reach out to my leaders, but I was afraid of how it would make Jonathan* feel if I discussed our marital issues with them. So I kept it to myself. I remember visiting my mother's house and she told me something that had really shook my core. She said, "Lavena, your husband called me before he left and asked me if there was something wrong with you." Why would he ask my mom that?? She said, "He asked me why is Lavena so skinny?" She told him, "Well, maybe it's because of all the walking she does to the bus stop to get to school and work. She has a high metabolism." When I heard that, all I could do was cry. Now, he's saying that I'm too skinny. So, once again, I felt like the ugliest girl in the world. My mother had no clue that we weren't having sex and that my self-esteem was low because of it.
I was catching the bus back and forth from school to work, because my husband thought it would be too dangerous for me to drive his car and said that it was better for me to catch the bus. In fact, whenever he had to go on the ship for a trip, he would leave his car on base, just to make sure I didn't drive it. But now, I have his car and I'm driving it. My mom said, "Lavena, I know you are wondering why you are able to drive his car. Well, your stepfather made him leave the car home when he left on deployment. It's not right that he's treating you like that, and to be honest with you, I don't like it one bit." I was shocked. I was thankful that my stepfather talked some sense into him, but I couldn't help but wonder how will he treat me now that I know this has happened. As I drove back home, I could hear the word "skinny" ring over and over in my head. I didn't know what to do to gain weight, but I was willing to do anything so that Jonathan* would love me.
In February, he called me. I was happy to hear from him, but my heart was broken. He told me that he wants me to join a gym and do exercises that would get me toned. I knew what he was up to, but instead I listened to him and I joined a gym. I worked out 3 days a week, lifting weights and took classes for cardio. I sent him pictures of myself and he seemed so proud of me. He also sent me pictures of himself, showing his bare chest, which I never had the pleasure of seeing before. He was hiding that from me?? I couldn't believe it. As the weeks rolled by, he sent me outfits through the mail, wrote me beautiful love poems and expressed how much he missed me. He always said to me that he would do better with intimacy and couldn't wait to get home. Once again, my hopes were built up and I believed that something has changed him out there and that I would come home to a brand new husband...
July 2007. The day has arrived for my husband to arrive from deployment. A girlfriend of mine at the time came with me, because her husband was on the same ship. We had on our cute dresses and even decorated signs to hold up while we stood outside waiting. The press was out there and so many women were waiting for the USS Bataan to pull in. As the ship docked, my heart was racing. I haven't seen him in seven months. Before I left home, I put rose petals in the hallway leading to our bedroom. Candles were lit and soft music was playing. I wanted to make sure he was extra relaxed when he came through the door. As I saw the men come off the ship and running to their wives, I spotted him. I ran to him, but when I got closer, I stopped. He was skinnier and looked quite different. Who is this man? He saw me and it was as if he wasn't excited to see me. I kissed him, but he didn't return the favor. All he said was, "Let's hurry up and get out of here." As I drove him home, I kept looking at him at the corner of my eye, in amazement of what I saw. This man in a nice white sailor uniform was not the man I left in January. What happened to him? I told him I had a surprise for him when he got home. He didn't respond.
He came through the door and didn't seem like he was impressed of what I done. He walked over the rose petals, and completely ignored the extra petals that were on the bed. He took off his uniform and went to sleep. I stood at the door of my bedroom, and all I could see was the cycle beginning all over again. From that day forward, our marriage began to crumble...
Tune in tomorrow for part 4 of my story. *Name is withheld.
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