Part 4...
Since Jonathan* came home from deployment, there has been argument after argument. It has gotten to the point where sometimes he would sleep in the living room on the couch because we couldn't resolve our issues. Once again, I prayed and cried out to the Lord asking for help....asking that he show me what to do. I was confused and I already heard divorce in my head. I was desperate for change. I decided to talk to my pastors about our situation.
One Sunday, when Jonathan had duty on the ship, I pulled my pastor aside and told him about the issues in my marriage. I told him that I needed some help in getting Jonathan to attend because I didn't think that he would want to come. The pastor told me to talk to him and see if he is willing. The next day I told Jonathan about my conversation with the pastor. He looked at me real strange and asked, "Lavena, why did you go to him without talking to me about it? I thought we agreed to not do anything without letting the other person know about it first?" At this point, I was angry. I told him that we needed help and I thought it was best to let the pastor know so that we could get not only some practical advice but also spiritual advice. His response was, "I really don't want them in our business. I rather deal with someone that doesn't know us." Wow...ok, I thought. So, I went along with it. That next week, I got in touch with a Christian Psychotherapy Service and scheduled an appointment. I told Jonathan about it and asked if he was willing to go. Surprisingly, he said yes. We arrived at our appointment with the therapist. It was a woman. Oh Lord, I thought. I wonder how he would feel about a woman telling him what to do. He feels that only a man can help him and a woman really can't relate, which I agree, but at this point, I was hoping that he would at least give her a chance. I remember her asking if there was intimacy in our marriage. I took a deep breath and told her no. As I looked at her, I can tell that she was shocked in what she heard, but she quickly looked down and began to write more on her pad. She suggested that we should try foreplay, to learn one another and get comfortable with each other. She told us that if it pushes us to have sex, she said don't allow it. I want you to come back with your results next week. She asked Jonathan if that's something he can try. He said yes. And of course, I said yes. I hope he listens to her, I thought.
That night, and once again, I put on something nice and prayed that he would take the advice of the therapist. He was laying in the bed and I began to tell him how much I loved him and how I would like to make this work. I kissed on him and once again, he wasn't impressed. So, I tried to rub on his penis, and he moved my hand away, again. This time, I became very frustrated and asked him why is he doing this? He says, "You are not doing it right. Just leave me alone." He turns over and goes to sleep. I was really getting tired of being told that I'm not doing something right. I was tired of being the blame for us not being intimate. I felt like I wanted to snap at him, but instead, I swallowed my frustrations and tried to go to sleep. In the middle of the night, I felt him put his arms around me and begin to rub up against me. I'm tired of this!! It's not the real thing and he thinks I'm being pleased by this? I got up and went in the living room and went to sleep.
One day, when I was at work, I started to experience sharp pains in my abdomen. I didn't know what it was. I couldn't be pregnant, so what else could it be? The pain was so unbearable, I was hunched over at my desk. My boss told me that I should leave and go to patient first. I called Jonathan and told him what happened. He told me he would be there. The doctors ran a couple of tests on me and told me that they discovered an ovarian cyst on my left ovary. They told me that I would need to get ultrasounds so that the doctors can keep an eye on it. Jonathan asked him what does it come from? The doctor told him that it is common among women, but it can come from having other sexual partners or from a sexually transmitted disease. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I began to think about the men I slept with in the past and I immediately began to believe that maybe this is my punishment for disobeying God. I cried in that office. They put me on meds and told me to visit my doctor to schedule the tests. When we arrived home, Jonathan had the nerve to say, "Lavena, we are going to pray that the Lord heals you, but until then, I don't want us to keep trying to be intimate if this is in you. I don't want nothing to pass down to me." At that point, I blacked out. All I can remember is getting very angry at him and I pushed him up against the wall and started throwing things. For the first time, he called me a b*tch and told me that he was calling the police. I laughed at him. What can they possibly do? I have done nothing to him to harm him. The police arrived and he told them what happened. The officer said something that I couldn't believe I was hearing. He told Jonathan he can press charges if he wanted to. I heard him say, "I don't want to press charges on my wife." The officer said, "We still have to take her in, because she is the aggressor. When she calls you, you can come get her." I remember coming out of my room and the officer said, "I'm sorry to do this ma'am, but because your husband called about you, we have to take you in."
He proceeded to hand-cuff me and walk me out to the police car. I felt low and embarrassed. I felt like a criminal sitting in a small back-seat of a police car. The officer tried to make me feel better by telling me he's only doing his job and he doesn't believe that I will be in any kind of real trouble, but I couldn't help but cry. I felt like crap and I knew from that point on, I didn't want to be with Jonathan anymore. It's over! I'm done! I made up in my mind that I was ready for a divorce. As they brought me in, I remember being fingerprinted and they took a mug shot of me for processing. I literally felt like the scum of the earth. I know longer felt pretty. I felt like a criminal. They put me in this room, where I was surrounded by three other guys. One of them asked me, "What is a pretty girl like you doing in here?" I told them that my husband called the police on me because I pushed him and threw stuff around the house. They laughed so hard they were choking. "What??!! He called the 5-0 for that? Man, he's a punk-as* b*tch!" That's exactly what they said. Another guy heard me and said, "Sweetheart, you need to leave him. He's a punk for real. He's not a real man." I listened to them and never forgot what they told me. I called Jonathan to come get me. An hour later, he shows up. Complete silence in the car. I didn't talk to him and he didn't talk to me. I knew I was done with him. I was tired of trying and everything I did it backfired. I wanted a divorce...
Tune in tomorrow for part 5. *Name is withheld.
Monday, January 27, 2014
Friday, January 24, 2014
I Don't Know Who I Married
This is part 3. To read part 2, please click here. For part 1, click here.
January 2007. Jonathan* was due to leave on a six month deployment. I dropped him off near the ship and I stood there, waiving at him. As I saw the ship sail away, I prayed that this trip would clear his mind and that he will come back stronger than before. I really wanted our marriage to work. I knew it was going to be a process, but I was willing to go through just about anything to save our relationship.
A couple of weeks went by, and not a word from him. I remember him telling me that there will be days when he won't be able to call me, but he will try to make himself available via email. As I waited, I began to work on myself. I bought books by Dr. Myles Munroe that could help me become a better woman. I got more involved in my church to keep myself busy and to surround myself with other believers. I wanted to reach out to my leaders, but I was afraid of how it would make Jonathan* feel if I discussed our marital issues with them. So I kept it to myself. I remember visiting my mother's house and she told me something that had really shook my core. She said, "Lavena, your husband called me before he left and asked me if there was something wrong with you." Why would he ask my mom that?? She said, "He asked me why is Lavena so skinny?" She told him, "Well, maybe it's because of all the walking she does to the bus stop to get to school and work. She has a high metabolism." When I heard that, all I could do was cry. Now, he's saying that I'm too skinny. So, once again, I felt like the ugliest girl in the world. My mother had no clue that we weren't having sex and that my self-esteem was low because of it.
I was catching the bus back and forth from school to work, because my husband thought it would be too dangerous for me to drive his car and said that it was better for me to catch the bus. In fact, whenever he had to go on the ship for a trip, he would leave his car on base, just to make sure I didn't drive it. But now, I have his car and I'm driving it. My mom said, "Lavena, I know you are wondering why you are able to drive his car. Well, your stepfather made him leave the car home when he left on deployment. It's not right that he's treating you like that, and to be honest with you, I don't like it one bit." I was shocked. I was thankful that my stepfather talked some sense into him, but I couldn't help but wonder how will he treat me now that I know this has happened. As I drove back home, I could hear the word "skinny" ring over and over in my head. I didn't know what to do to gain weight, but I was willing to do anything so that Jonathan* would love me.
In February, he called me. I was happy to hear from him, but my heart was broken. He told me that he wants me to join a gym and do exercises that would get me toned. I knew what he was up to, but instead I listened to him and I joined a gym. I worked out 3 days a week, lifting weights and took classes for cardio. I sent him pictures of myself and he seemed so proud of me. He also sent me pictures of himself, showing his bare chest, which I never had the pleasure of seeing before. He was hiding that from me?? I couldn't believe it. As the weeks rolled by, he sent me outfits through the mail, wrote me beautiful love poems and expressed how much he missed me. He always said to me that he would do better with intimacy and couldn't wait to get home. Once again, my hopes were built up and I believed that something has changed him out there and that I would come home to a brand new husband...
July 2007. The day has arrived for my husband to arrive from deployment. A girlfriend of mine at the time came with me, because her husband was on the same ship. We had on our cute dresses and even decorated signs to hold up while we stood outside waiting. The press was out there and so many women were waiting for the USS Bataan to pull in. As the ship docked, my heart was racing. I haven't seen him in seven months. Before I left home, I put rose petals in the hallway leading to our bedroom. Candles were lit and soft music was playing. I wanted to make sure he was extra relaxed when he came through the door. As I saw the men come off the ship and running to their wives, I spotted him. I ran to him, but when I got closer, I stopped. He was skinnier and looked quite different. Who is this man? He saw me and it was as if he wasn't excited to see me. I kissed him, but he didn't return the favor. All he said was, "Let's hurry up and get out of here." As I drove him home, I kept looking at him at the corner of my eye, in amazement of what I saw. This man in a nice white sailor uniform was not the man I left in January. What happened to him? I told him I had a surprise for him when he got home. He didn't respond.
He came through the door and didn't seem like he was impressed of what I done. He walked over the rose petals, and completely ignored the extra petals that were on the bed. He took off his uniform and went to sleep. I stood at the door of my bedroom, and all I could see was the cycle beginning all over again. From that day forward, our marriage began to crumble...
Tune in tomorrow for part 4 of my story. *Name is withheld.
January 2007. Jonathan* was due to leave on a six month deployment. I dropped him off near the ship and I stood there, waiving at him. As I saw the ship sail away, I prayed that this trip would clear his mind and that he will come back stronger than before. I really wanted our marriage to work. I knew it was going to be a process, but I was willing to go through just about anything to save our relationship.
A couple of weeks went by, and not a word from him. I remember him telling me that there will be days when he won't be able to call me, but he will try to make himself available via email. As I waited, I began to work on myself. I bought books by Dr. Myles Munroe that could help me become a better woman. I got more involved in my church to keep myself busy and to surround myself with other believers. I wanted to reach out to my leaders, but I was afraid of how it would make Jonathan* feel if I discussed our marital issues with them. So I kept it to myself. I remember visiting my mother's house and she told me something that had really shook my core. She said, "Lavena, your husband called me before he left and asked me if there was something wrong with you." Why would he ask my mom that?? She said, "He asked me why is Lavena so skinny?" She told him, "Well, maybe it's because of all the walking she does to the bus stop to get to school and work. She has a high metabolism." When I heard that, all I could do was cry. Now, he's saying that I'm too skinny. So, once again, I felt like the ugliest girl in the world. My mother had no clue that we weren't having sex and that my self-esteem was low because of it.
I was catching the bus back and forth from school to work, because my husband thought it would be too dangerous for me to drive his car and said that it was better for me to catch the bus. In fact, whenever he had to go on the ship for a trip, he would leave his car on base, just to make sure I didn't drive it. But now, I have his car and I'm driving it. My mom said, "Lavena, I know you are wondering why you are able to drive his car. Well, your stepfather made him leave the car home when he left on deployment. It's not right that he's treating you like that, and to be honest with you, I don't like it one bit." I was shocked. I was thankful that my stepfather talked some sense into him, but I couldn't help but wonder how will he treat me now that I know this has happened. As I drove back home, I could hear the word "skinny" ring over and over in my head. I didn't know what to do to gain weight, but I was willing to do anything so that Jonathan* would love me.
In February, he called me. I was happy to hear from him, but my heart was broken. He told me that he wants me to join a gym and do exercises that would get me toned. I knew what he was up to, but instead I listened to him and I joined a gym. I worked out 3 days a week, lifting weights and took classes for cardio. I sent him pictures of myself and he seemed so proud of me. He also sent me pictures of himself, showing his bare chest, which I never had the pleasure of seeing before. He was hiding that from me?? I couldn't believe it. As the weeks rolled by, he sent me outfits through the mail, wrote me beautiful love poems and expressed how much he missed me. He always said to me that he would do better with intimacy and couldn't wait to get home. Once again, my hopes were built up and I believed that something has changed him out there and that I would come home to a brand new husband...
July 2007. The day has arrived for my husband to arrive from deployment. A girlfriend of mine at the time came with me, because her husband was on the same ship. We had on our cute dresses and even decorated signs to hold up while we stood outside waiting. The press was out there and so many women were waiting for the USS Bataan to pull in. As the ship docked, my heart was racing. I haven't seen him in seven months. Before I left home, I put rose petals in the hallway leading to our bedroom. Candles were lit and soft music was playing. I wanted to make sure he was extra relaxed when he came through the door. As I saw the men come off the ship and running to their wives, I spotted him. I ran to him, but when I got closer, I stopped. He was skinnier and looked quite different. Who is this man? He saw me and it was as if he wasn't excited to see me. I kissed him, but he didn't return the favor. All he said was, "Let's hurry up and get out of here." As I drove him home, I kept looking at him at the corner of my eye, in amazement of what I saw. This man in a nice white sailor uniform was not the man I left in January. What happened to him? I told him I had a surprise for him when he got home. He didn't respond.
He came through the door and didn't seem like he was impressed of what I done. He walked over the rose petals, and completely ignored the extra petals that were on the bed. He took off his uniform and went to sleep. I stood at the door of my bedroom, and all I could see was the cycle beginning all over again. From that day forward, our marriage began to crumble...
Tune in tomorrow for part 4 of my story. *Name is withheld.
Thursday, January 23, 2014
Is This What They Call....Love?
This is part 2. To read the previous post, click here for part 1.
Jonathan* and I moved into a beautiful apartment in the Summer of August 2006. Boy, was I excited to have my first place, and especially with someone that I loved! I finally moved out of my parents home and now I felt independent. Jonathan helped me with decorating and we also prayed over our home so that the Holy Spirit may dwell and be in the midst of us. Since we didn't have a wedding or a honeymoon, that night was our official "honeymoon" night. I had already bought lingerie and made sure that my nails and feet were beautiful for our special night.
As I laid in the bed waiting for him to finish showering, my heart was palpitating. It felt like it was going to jump out of my throat. Why was I so nervous? I wondered if he would like what I have on. I had sex before, but this time I knew it was different because it is now alright in God's sight. We are married and therefore the bed is undefiled. I knew that I wasn't ready for children right now; in fact, I was afraid to have them. My mother has told me on several occasions that I almost didn't make it into this world. She had lost a lot of blood and it took everything for the doctors to get her healthy again. That story continued to ring in my mind since I was old enough to understand and because of it, I didn't want to have children because I was afraid it could happen to me. So, to prepare myself from any unwanted pregnancies or any complications, I began to take birth control, just for protection. As he came out of the bathroom, he looked at me and said, "You look nice." I smiled. He proceeded to get in the bed, and lay the opposite way and began to sleep. WHAT??!! All kinds of things were running through my head. Is it me? Am I pretty enough? What's wrong with him? Feeling a little confused, I said, "Honey, it's our honeymoon night. Are you ok?" He says, "Lavena, honeymoons are what people in the world do, plus I am a little tired from moving today." WAIT A MINUTE: I thought men always had a sex drive, regardless of how the day went. I was so confused and began to feel a little down. I asked him, "Is it what I have on? Do I smell bad? What is it?" He says, "No, Lavena, you look great and you smell wonderful. Lingerie really doesn't attract me. I can be attracted to you if you had on sweats. Just go to sleep." After he said that, I turned over and shed tears in silence. I went from having a high self esteem to a low self esteem. I couldn't understand why my own husband didn't want to be intimate with me. I could hear the thoughts swimming through my head. Maybe I didn't try hard enough to please him, or maybe he is really tired. I decided that I would try again tomorrow and hope that we will be ready.
As the next night approached, I put on something a little different: a tank top and shorts, just to see if he is attracted to me with it on. As he got in the bed, he said, "Ok. We are going to take this slow. I don't want to hurt you." I nodded and he proceeded to climb on top of me. No prior foreplay at all, just began to jump in the act. Ok, I can deal with that. As he was on top, he put his t-shirt over his face, and I had no ability to see him. I asked him, "Why are you doing that?" He says, "Do you want to do this or not?" I was shocked at what I was seeing and hearing from this man. I asked him how can I possibly have sex with you if I can't even see your face? He stops, and pulls down his shirt and says, "Oh, so it's about you now? How about you learn to stop focusing on yourself. In a marriage it's all about pleasing your mate. You can't please me if you are worrying about your needs." Even though I knew something wasn't right about that statement, I listened because he knew more of the bible then I did. I went to the bathroom and cried, again, asking the Lord, "Why is he treating me like this? What have I done to him? Am I being selfish Lord? Please help me understand...." Night after night, I cried, and night after night, my confidence was brought down to nothing. I felt like an ugly duckling. All that seemed to ever please him was him rubbing up against me, with clothes on. He didn't want me to turn around and face him and even when I tried to touch him, he would quickly move my hand away. But because I thought I was pleasing him, I thought I was doing right by him, so I never said anything about it. What is wrong with him? Did something happen to him? I was determined to find out.
One day, I decided to talk to him about it. I told him that I am here for him and if anything happened to him in the past, that I would help him through it and we can pray and ask God to heal him. He became very angry and says, "Nothing happened to me Lavena! I don't know why you are making this such a big deal. Sex is not the foundation of the marriage, it's only a part of it, and I refuse to let you sit here and tell me what you want. It's not about you. Maybe if you stop worrying about you, that would help me please you better." Once again, he places the blame on me, as if it is my fault that we are not intimate. I told him that I wanted to step out and get some air.
As I walked around the neighborhood, I just couldn't believe that I was going through this. Would he ever try to be intimate with me? I thought he was in love with me. Is this suppose to be love?? Or, is this what they call "marriage?" Little did I know that the promises he made to do better has never come to fruition. For the remainder of our three year "marriage", we had never consummated and we never became one...
Tune in tomorrow for part 3 of my story. *Name is withheld.
Jonathan* and I moved into a beautiful apartment in the Summer of August 2006. Boy, was I excited to have my first place, and especially with someone that I loved! I finally moved out of my parents home and now I felt independent. Jonathan helped me with decorating and we also prayed over our home so that the Holy Spirit may dwell and be in the midst of us. Since we didn't have a wedding or a honeymoon, that night was our official "honeymoon" night. I had already bought lingerie and made sure that my nails and feet were beautiful for our special night.
As I laid in the bed waiting for him to finish showering, my heart was palpitating. It felt like it was going to jump out of my throat. Why was I so nervous? I wondered if he would like what I have on. I had sex before, but this time I knew it was different because it is now alright in God's sight. We are married and therefore the bed is undefiled. I knew that I wasn't ready for children right now; in fact, I was afraid to have them. My mother has told me on several occasions that I almost didn't make it into this world. She had lost a lot of blood and it took everything for the doctors to get her healthy again. That story continued to ring in my mind since I was old enough to understand and because of it, I didn't want to have children because I was afraid it could happen to me. So, to prepare myself from any unwanted pregnancies or any complications, I began to take birth control, just for protection. As he came out of the bathroom, he looked at me and said, "You look nice." I smiled. He proceeded to get in the bed, and lay the opposite way and began to sleep. WHAT??!! All kinds of things were running through my head. Is it me? Am I pretty enough? What's wrong with him? Feeling a little confused, I said, "Honey, it's our honeymoon night. Are you ok?" He says, "Lavena, honeymoons are what people in the world do, plus I am a little tired from moving today." WAIT A MINUTE: I thought men always had a sex drive, regardless of how the day went. I was so confused and began to feel a little down. I asked him, "Is it what I have on? Do I smell bad? What is it?" He says, "No, Lavena, you look great and you smell wonderful. Lingerie really doesn't attract me. I can be attracted to you if you had on sweats. Just go to sleep." After he said that, I turned over and shed tears in silence. I went from having a high self esteem to a low self esteem. I couldn't understand why my own husband didn't want to be intimate with me. I could hear the thoughts swimming through my head. Maybe I didn't try hard enough to please him, or maybe he is really tired. I decided that I would try again tomorrow and hope that we will be ready.
As the next night approached, I put on something a little different: a tank top and shorts, just to see if he is attracted to me with it on. As he got in the bed, he said, "Ok. We are going to take this slow. I don't want to hurt you." I nodded and he proceeded to climb on top of me. No prior foreplay at all, just began to jump in the act. Ok, I can deal with that. As he was on top, he put his t-shirt over his face, and I had no ability to see him. I asked him, "Why are you doing that?" He says, "Do you want to do this or not?" I was shocked at what I was seeing and hearing from this man. I asked him how can I possibly have sex with you if I can't even see your face? He stops, and pulls down his shirt and says, "Oh, so it's about you now? How about you learn to stop focusing on yourself. In a marriage it's all about pleasing your mate. You can't please me if you are worrying about your needs." Even though I knew something wasn't right about that statement, I listened because he knew more of the bible then I did. I went to the bathroom and cried, again, asking the Lord, "Why is he treating me like this? What have I done to him? Am I being selfish Lord? Please help me understand...." Night after night, I cried, and night after night, my confidence was brought down to nothing. I felt like an ugly duckling. All that seemed to ever please him was him rubbing up against me, with clothes on. He didn't want me to turn around and face him and even when I tried to touch him, he would quickly move my hand away. But because I thought I was pleasing him, I thought I was doing right by him, so I never said anything about it. What is wrong with him? Did something happen to him? I was determined to find out.
One day, I decided to talk to him about it. I told him that I am here for him and if anything happened to him in the past, that I would help him through it and we can pray and ask God to heal him. He became very angry and says, "Nothing happened to me Lavena! I don't know why you are making this such a big deal. Sex is not the foundation of the marriage, it's only a part of it, and I refuse to let you sit here and tell me what you want. It's not about you. Maybe if you stop worrying about you, that would help me please you better." Once again, he places the blame on me, as if it is my fault that we are not intimate. I told him that I wanted to step out and get some air.
As I walked around the neighborhood, I just couldn't believe that I was going through this. Would he ever try to be intimate with me? I thought he was in love with me. Is this suppose to be love?? Or, is this what they call "marriage?" Little did I know that the promises he made to do better has never come to fruition. For the remainder of our three year "marriage", we had never consummated and we never became one...
Tune in tomorrow for part 3 of my story. *Name is withheld.
Tuesday, January 21, 2014
I Listened To My Heart; I Thought I Was In Love
We, as women, are emotional beings. We tend to listen to our hearts and how a person makes us feel, which usually result in us being heart broken. We ignore all the red flags that the Lord shows us in the very beginning of our relationships, but because we are lonely, or somehow believe that we can change them or they will change over time, we settle. This is what I have done, which resulted in me marrying someone that I thought loved me, and it ended in a terrible way...
In May of 2005, I had the opportunity to go to Vallejo, California to spend the summer with my favorite aunt. It was beautiful there. She helped me get a good job and I was well on my way to having a great summer before I had to go back to school. As a new babe in Christ, I began to read my bible and listen to gospel music. I had gotten rid of a lot of my secular music, but I still couldn't get rid of my RnB! So, I held onto it. One night, I was listening to Usher wishing I had someone to love me, someone to hold me and tell me that I am pretty. I made a decision that the next day, I will try something new to find a man. I signed up for Yahoo Personals, an online dating site. I completed all of my information and uploaded a picture of myself. Not even 5 minutes of me signing up, I received an email from them of my top 5 matches. The first guy had 5 hearts (which meant I was highly compatible with him). I read his bio. It stated that he was from Maryland but lives in VA, in the Navy and is a Christian! He was attractive! His name was Jonathan*. Immediately, I sent him a message. Within an hour, he messages me back with his phone number. I called him around 8:00pm. He told me that I was pretty and he would like to get to know me better. He told me that he was a devote Christian and wanted to live right for the Lord. That attracted me because, being new in Christ, I wanted someone that could help me develop my relationship with Him. I was falling for him. We didn't get off the phone until 4:00am. He sounded so good! He sounded so right for me! I had to meet him!
In July of that same year, he told me that he will be deployed for a couple of months and would like to see me. I was due to come back home in August but I couldn't let him leave without meeting him. I paid to get my flight changed so that I can go home early. I told my aunt and she asked if I was sure about this. With all the confidence in the world, I told her I believe this is the one for me. I came home at the end of July. He was waiting for me at the airport. My knees were buckling and I was nervous. Would he like what he sees in me? Or, will he decide to leave me alone? As I walked outside, he called my name. I walked over and he had a smile on his face. He says, "Welcome back! You look nice." I looked back at him, but he quickly held his head down. (First red flag, but I ignored it.) We drove to my mother's house so that he could meet her. As my mother tried to interact with him, I quickly saw that he really wasn't trying to interact with her. I remember my mother pulling me to the side and telling me that she think something is wrong with him, and that I need to watch my back. Knowing that my mom has a strong gift of discernment, I let it go in one ear and out the other because I was so use to her disapproving all the guys I ever dated. I just knew she was wrong about him. In late August, he was deployed. I remember him sending me love poems and writing letters to me via email. We talked almost daily and my love was growing more and more for him. In September, I was offered to intern at Disney World and I was excited. My mom thought that it would be a great opportunity for me to see and experience more, but when I told Jonathan* about it, he told me that I can go, but was afraid that I would see other men and I would no longer be interested in him. He also told me that there could be a chance that I may fall away from the faith. I made it clear that he wouldn't lose me and I will continue to grow in the Lord, but he didn't believe me. He said he didn't know how to do a long distance relationship and was afraid that it wouldn't work out. So, me, wanting to please him and not lose him, I decided to not take the internship. Boy, was my parents mad! They couldn't believe that I took him over a once in a lifetime opportunity. But in my mind, I thought I was right....I thought I was in love. In November, I decided to sign up at ECPI College of Technology to pursue a degree in Information Technology/Web Design. Jonathan was proud of me and told me he would help me 100%. We did bible study together, fasted and even prayed together. There has also been nights where we sat in the car and he almost couldn't keep his hands off me, but always promised that he wanted to remain celibate until he's married. I never heard a man tell me that in my life! My mind was blown away....
In July of 2006, Jonathan* and I took a trip to Kings Dominion. I remember us arguing on the way because of some guy that keep calling me even though I told him to stop calling me. Jonathan was mad and thought that I could be cheating on him (another red flag, but once again, I ignored it). We got to Kings Dominion, and I was very mad. I didn't even want to go because I didn't want to be around him. He asked me to go to the trunk and get a white bag. I looked at him like he was crazy and grabbed it. I got back in the car and threw it at him, not caring what could be inside. He looked at me calmly and said, Lavena, it's for you. I looked inside the bag and I see a black case. I opened it and it was an engagement ring. He said to me, "No matter how many times we argue, I will always love you and I am here for you. I don't believe in getting down on one knee, because that's worldly, but will you marry me?" I couldn't help but laugh at him, but I ended up saying yes. My dreams have come true. Finally, someone that I could call my own. No more searching. No more loneliness. Hey, he has some issues, but I can help him through it. I can change him. When I asked him when do you want to have a wedding, he said no because it cost too much money for one day and we can just go to the justice of peace. I understood his logic, but every girl wants a dream wedding or possibly even a reception! I quickly swallowed how I felt and said ok. My parents weren't ok with it, but I didn't care because as long as I had Jonathan*, I knew that I would be alright and they will soon accept him. I was happy and I was ready to begin life with him...
Tune in tomorrow for part 2 of my story....*Name has been withheld.
In May of 2005, I had the opportunity to go to Vallejo, California to spend the summer with my favorite aunt. It was beautiful there. She helped me get a good job and I was well on my way to having a great summer before I had to go back to school. As a new babe in Christ, I began to read my bible and listen to gospel music. I had gotten rid of a lot of my secular music, but I still couldn't get rid of my RnB! So, I held onto it. One night, I was listening to Usher wishing I had someone to love me, someone to hold me and tell me that I am pretty. I made a decision that the next day, I will try something new to find a man. I signed up for Yahoo Personals, an online dating site. I completed all of my information and uploaded a picture of myself. Not even 5 minutes of me signing up, I received an email from them of my top 5 matches. The first guy had 5 hearts (which meant I was highly compatible with him). I read his bio. It stated that he was from Maryland but lives in VA, in the Navy and is a Christian! He was attractive! His name was Jonathan*. Immediately, I sent him a message. Within an hour, he messages me back with his phone number. I called him around 8:00pm. He told me that I was pretty and he would like to get to know me better. He told me that he was a devote Christian and wanted to live right for the Lord. That attracted me because, being new in Christ, I wanted someone that could help me develop my relationship with Him. I was falling for him. We didn't get off the phone until 4:00am. He sounded so good! He sounded so right for me! I had to meet him!
In July of that same year, he told me that he will be deployed for a couple of months and would like to see me. I was due to come back home in August but I couldn't let him leave without meeting him. I paid to get my flight changed so that I can go home early. I told my aunt and she asked if I was sure about this. With all the confidence in the world, I told her I believe this is the one for me. I came home at the end of July. He was waiting for me at the airport. My knees were buckling and I was nervous. Would he like what he sees in me? Or, will he decide to leave me alone? As I walked outside, he called my name. I walked over and he had a smile on his face. He says, "Welcome back! You look nice." I looked back at him, but he quickly held his head down. (First red flag, but I ignored it.) We drove to my mother's house so that he could meet her. As my mother tried to interact with him, I quickly saw that he really wasn't trying to interact with her. I remember my mother pulling me to the side and telling me that she think something is wrong with him, and that I need to watch my back. Knowing that my mom has a strong gift of discernment, I let it go in one ear and out the other because I was so use to her disapproving all the guys I ever dated. I just knew she was wrong about him. In late August, he was deployed. I remember him sending me love poems and writing letters to me via email. We talked almost daily and my love was growing more and more for him. In September, I was offered to intern at Disney World and I was excited. My mom thought that it would be a great opportunity for me to see and experience more, but when I told Jonathan* about it, he told me that I can go, but was afraid that I would see other men and I would no longer be interested in him. He also told me that there could be a chance that I may fall away from the faith. I made it clear that he wouldn't lose me and I will continue to grow in the Lord, but he didn't believe me. He said he didn't know how to do a long distance relationship and was afraid that it wouldn't work out. So, me, wanting to please him and not lose him, I decided to not take the internship. Boy, was my parents mad! They couldn't believe that I took him over a once in a lifetime opportunity. But in my mind, I thought I was right....I thought I was in love. In November, I decided to sign up at ECPI College of Technology to pursue a degree in Information Technology/Web Design. Jonathan was proud of me and told me he would help me 100%. We did bible study together, fasted and even prayed together. There has also been nights where we sat in the car and he almost couldn't keep his hands off me, but always promised that he wanted to remain celibate until he's married. I never heard a man tell me that in my life! My mind was blown away....
In July of 2006, Jonathan* and I took a trip to Kings Dominion. I remember us arguing on the way because of some guy that keep calling me even though I told him to stop calling me. Jonathan was mad and thought that I could be cheating on him (another red flag, but once again, I ignored it). We got to Kings Dominion, and I was very mad. I didn't even want to go because I didn't want to be around him. He asked me to go to the trunk and get a white bag. I looked at him like he was crazy and grabbed it. I got back in the car and threw it at him, not caring what could be inside. He looked at me calmly and said, Lavena, it's for you. I looked inside the bag and I see a black case. I opened it and it was an engagement ring. He said to me, "No matter how many times we argue, I will always love you and I am here for you. I don't believe in getting down on one knee, because that's worldly, but will you marry me?" I couldn't help but laugh at him, but I ended up saying yes. My dreams have come true. Finally, someone that I could call my own. No more searching. No more loneliness. Hey, he has some issues, but I can help him through it. I can change him. When I asked him when do you want to have a wedding, he said no because it cost too much money for one day and we can just go to the justice of peace. I understood his logic, but every girl wants a dream wedding or possibly even a reception! I quickly swallowed how I felt and said ok. My parents weren't ok with it, but I didn't care because as long as I had Jonathan*, I knew that I would be alright and they will soon accept him. I was happy and I was ready to begin life with him...
Tune in tomorrow for part 2 of my story....*Name has been withheld.
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