As time progressed, I tried to adjust to living my life by myself. Once again, I was alone. I was hurt, confused and depressed. And God? I push Him to the side because I felt like He was the one that caused all of this to happen. I haven't heard from *Jonathan in a month, so I knew he was done with me. I tried to go to work and pretend that everything is normal, but, on many occasions, I found myself breaking down in tears. I couldn't pull myself together. I wasn't the same anymore. I felt like the living dead. I told myself that maybe I should take time off and see a therapist. Well, one day at work, my supervisor saw that I was not myself and told me to take a couple days off....and I did just that.
I put off going to see the therapist because I thought that I would be ok....so I thought. On Friday evening, my father came in my room to see how I was doing. When he found me, I was once again crying. I remember him asking me why was I crying. I told him he wouldn't understand. He then begin to say that I shouldn't be crying over a man and that I need to be stronger than that. I looked at him and screamed at him. I told him to leave me alone! But, he continued to stand there and say more things to me, which at that point, all I heard was mumbling from him. I blocked out everything he was saying. I wanted to escape from him, so I got up, pushed him out of the way and made my way to the door. As I walked past the kitchen, I stopped. I looked to the left and I saw a knife on the kitchen table. I grabbed it and headed out the door. It was pouring down raining, but I didn't care. I hid behind the apartment complex and fell in the grass. I sat there with tears streaming down my face asking God why? Why did He put me through this? Why doesn't *Jonathan love me anymore? Does anyone care for me? Why did you leave me Lord? I thought you cared for me? A few seconds later, I heard a voice saying, "it would be better if you leave this place." I pulled out the knife from my pocket. As I stared at it, the voice said, "go ahead and do it, it would be better for everyone and you will feel better." More tears came down my face and I was shaking. I began to listen to that voice. I felt like that's what I needed to do. As I raised the knife up to cut myself, I heard a loud voice saying, "NO!!" I immediately dropped the knife and started to shake out of fear. What was that? I thought. I saw flashlights and then saw my dad. He picked me up from out of the grass and asked me, "What's wrong with you? Did you try to kill yourself?" I couldn't say anything. I was in a complete daze. I heard my dad talking to the police officer telling him that everything is ok and thanked him for his help. He brought me in the house and he asked me again what was I doing? I looked at him and said, "If you loved me, you would have known why I was doing it. No one cares and no one loves me. Just leave me alone!" I walked into my room and slammed the door.
Later that evening, I was in bed crying myself to sleep. All kinds of thoughts were running through my head. Maybe I should have killed myself, then things would have been better. At least I would have been in a better place than here. No one will miss me anyway. As those thoughts continued to plague my brain, I eventually fell asleep. A few hours later, I woke up to something. It felt like something or someone was holding me. I was scared, so I began to fight and toss and turn. The embrace got tighter. This time I said, "Please, let go of me! I'm sorry! Please don't hurt me!" But, all I heard was a soft and quiet voice saying, "sssshhhh...." Oh my God! What is that? I thought. I stopped fighting and I calmed down. I couldn't see what was happening, but I felt every bit of it. As I shed tears, the tears were disappearing off my face and I literally felt someone rocking me to sleep like a baby. I knew right then and there that Jesus had to be comforting me. At that moment, peace began to come over me and I felt a warm sensation go throughout my body. I fell asleep.
When I woke up the next morning, I felt like I could try this walk again with the Lord. I asked Him to please give me strength to fight and heal. I knew he was with me and that's all I needed. I thanked Him for comforting and I repented for what I done and asked Him for forgiveness and mercy. I knew that at that point, The Lord has forgiven me and I can move on. I went to apologize to my dad for my actions and he hugged me and told me that he loves me and don't ever think that no one does. That made me feel much better knowing that he still loves me in spite of what I did. I was once again ready to take on the world, but this time, just the Lord and I.
Hebrews 13:5 (b) "Never will I leave you, never will I forsake you." When your back is against the wall and only have one leg to stand on, He will always come to comfort you. He will never leave you comfortless! Through this experience, I have learned to trust in Him, even when things seem dark and bleak. I began to lean on him for my healing, and I allowed Him to make me new again and help me become the woman that He wanted me to become.
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