Before My Mother Formed Me, He Knew Me

Jeremiah 1:4:8 The word of the LORD came to me, saying, "Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations."  "Ah, Sovereign LORD," I said, "I do not know how to speak; I am only a child."But the LORD said to me, "Do not say, 'I am only a child.' You must go to everyone I send you to and say whatever I command you. Do not be afraid of them, for I am with you and will rescue you," declares the LORD.

Ever since I was a child, I always knew that I was different from all other girls.  I was the typical shy, "four-eyed" little girl that kept to herself.  I never had a lot of friends, was bullied constantly, and often times, ran home crying because of the torment I faced in school. 

I grew up in Diggs Park in Norfolk.  My Father at the time was very abusive and was strung out on drugs, and my Mother worked two jobs to take care of my sister and I.  We always had a good Christmas, food on the table, even though it wasn't necessarily what we wanted, and a home in a neighborhood that was pretty much dangerous to live in.  Momma didn't have the money to get us the name brand clothes and shoes, but she did what she could and when back to school came around, we always had nice things.  Even still, I was tormented physically, verbally and spiritually.  I began having dreams about places and things being destroyed and also saw demons.  In fact, while I was sleeping, I felt a presence climb on top of me and literally pin me down and cover my mouth.  That happened very often and I didn't know or understand what it was.

When my Mother and Father divorced, I could hear voices in my mind saying, "Your dad doesn't love you", or "Your dad is going to die and it's your fault."  At 9 years old, I believed those thoughts and didn't understand why my Dad didn't want to be with my Mom.  I actually thought it was my fault that they broke up. Then, my stepfather entered into the picture.  I thought that he was trying to take the place of my Dad, so I made sure that he never got too close to me to the point where I would let my guard down. For the longest time, I never understood the consequences that I would face because I no longer had a covering....until I turned 15 years old and entered into my first year of high school.

During high school years, I had a few boyfriends, but I often fell for the "I love you baby" or "you're pretty" statement, so for a person like me who was insecure and had low self-esteem, I gravitated towards them.  I started out with a few friends, but came my senior year, they all went their separate ways.  Their excuse was "you never wanted to have fun with us."  I was called "Momma" of my friends because I always tried to think about what I'm doing before I do it and would hardly ever do what they wanted me to do.  Plus, my mom was half-crazy so I really tried my best to not get caught by her!  But, what was interesting is, whenever they needed advice, they would come back to me.  How about that!

My stepfather and I really didn't get along during this period.  I respected him because he was providing for us, but I never got close to him because he rarely made himself available.  He was the type of person, who I felt, loved to throw the bible in someone's face and make them feel condemned for what they done.  No mercy!  For that reason, I always told myself, "If that's what a Christian is, then I rather be a sinner..."

When I turned 18, I was dating a guy who I felt that I could be with. We went to the senior prom together, and because I thought he loved me and I could trust him, I gave him something that I can never get back. Something, if I known better, that I should have saved for my husband.  I gave him me, my virginity.  I felt nasty, violated, and so empty inside. That night when I returned home, I actually prayed and asked the Lord for forgiveness. I wasn't a Christian at the time, but I knew what I did was wrong.  I asked Him to fix this.....and He did.

A month later, that same guy that I was dating broke up with me.  I thought that I would have a hard time with that news, but I actually healed from the experience.  I was then invited to my church's banquet later on that same month.  I listened to this man get up a speak a message that shook me to my core.  He talked about what it was like for him to grow up with some of the same issues I faced and how he overcame.  After he was done, all I wanted to do was shake his hand and say thank you.  I did so, and he stated to me, "Dare to be different."  I didn't fully have the understanding of what that meant until I got older, but as a young teenager, I held onto those words for dear life.

As I write this post, I understand how important it is to have the mother and the father in the household.  Whenever one is absent, the child will grow up with some deficiencies.  The Mother is the nurturer and the caretaker of the home.  The Father is to protect, provide, and give identity.  Because I didn't have a father figure in my life, I, unconsciously, began to look for love and for someone to approve of me, when all along I was suppose to receive that stamp of approval from my father.  And even though my mom was not perfect, she did the very best she could to raise me to be the woman that I am today, and for that I will always honor her.  Because of my past, I have always vowed that if I get married, that I would want a stable household for my children to live in. I don't want to have to struggle like my mom did to take care of my children, or have to live in the worst neighborhood just to make sure that I have a roof over my head.  I know I could not choose what family I wanted to be born into, but I knew that God has placed me in this family for a reason. He called me to be separate, since the beginning of my understanding.  He spoke through the man who told me "Dare to be different."  God was constantly speaking into my life and I didn't even realize it.  When I felt like he was no where to be found, he was carrying me all along.  And for that, I give him praise.