This is part 3. To read part 2, click here. To read part 1, click here.
March 24, 2005. I was at practice with the VA State Gospel Chorale. I tried to have fun like everyone else, but I couldn't stop thinking about what I done a few days ago. I felt guilty singing about a God that I truly didn't love or honored. I couldn't fake it. I was ready to quit. But then, I met this girl that seemed to have such a glow about her. Her name was **Jessica. I asked her to help me with my note on the song. She was willing and made sure that I remembered it by repeating herself. She was a lot of fun. She began to ask me about myself and was I saved. I knew I had to be honest.
I told her I wasn't saved and I didn't think that God would save me anyway. She asked me why would I say that? I told her that I recently got an abortion. I killed one of God's children. I began to cry and tell her that I knew God wouldn't forgive me. She wiped my tears and said, "What makes you think God wouldn't forgive you? Once you give your life to him, old things are past away, and behold all things become new. So everything you done in your past he is faithful and just to forgive you. He will throw it in the sea of forgetfulness and will remember it no more." I was in shock! When I heard those words, I couldn't believe what she was saying to me. I asked her are you sure? She said yes! Just welcome Him into your heart. He loves you. And when she said that, I instantly felt loved and peace overcame me. How could a holy God love a girl like me? I killed one of his own! But, according to **Jessica, He loves me so much and he will forgive me. At that time, I knew that I wanted to give my life to the Lord. I knew it was time. And, what perfect time could it be to give my life a day before my birthday?!
March 27, 2005, I was baptised in the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit. As they dipped me in the water, I literally heard a voice that said, "I love you...and I'm proud of you." It almost scared me half to death! I told them what happened and they told me the Lord has spoken. He is well pleased with you! I felt free. I felt new! I was forgiven and nothing or anyone could tell me any different. **Jessica and I became the best of friends. She brought me to bible study and always kept it real with me. She always told the truth about the Word and how I should live as a Christian. She introduced to me other like-minded believers. Slowly but surely, my world was changing for the better. I wanted more of Him. I was hungry and thirsty for Him. I needed to be in His presence.
Around March of 2011, I remembered the day I got the abortion. I started to feel guilty all over again and I remember asking myself, "Did the Lord really forgive me for this?" Once again, I doubted His Word. But I couldn't help but to think about it. I prayed that night before bed and asked the Lord to show me some way that He has done so. I went to sleep and I dreamt... I dreamt that I was in a beautiful park with flowers of all kinds and trees with fruit hanging from the leaves. There was a man beside me and holding my hand. I didn't know who he was. He looked at me and smiled. I looked down at myself and I was pregnant. Immediately, I was scared. I stopped. The man asked me was I ok? I was at a lost for words. Then, I felt a light tap on my leg. I looked down and it was a beautiful little girl with a white and pink dress on. She had pigtails, ribbons and barrets in her hair. She looked like me! She looked at me and asked, "Are you ok mommy?" MOMMY?! I saw a bench and I sat down in disbelief of what this little girl asked me. She sat beside me and said, "Everything is ok mommy. Everything is ok". I looked at her and she had the prettiest smile on her face. She got up and began to sing a song around me. She danced and smiled and laughed. It was the most beautiful melody I have ever heard. Then I woke up. I got down on my knees in tears and asked the Lord who was that? I remembered hearing a still voice saying, "That was your daughter. She's with me now, and I have forgiven you. Let it go." That was my breakthrough!! I sat there in awe of feeling the Lord's presence all around me. From that day on, I knew that everything is ok. My daughter is with the Lord and I can finally let go.
About a week later, my mother and I were in the house talking. She said, "Lavena can I ask you something?" "Are you still mad at me?" Suprised, I said, "Mad at you for what?" And after this many years, she brought up the abortion. She said, "Lavena, I thought you were still mad at me for making you get the abortion. Baby, I'm sorry. I thought the decision that was made was best for you and I wasn't thinking.I didn't mean to call you out your name, and I apologize." I looked at her and told her the dream I had about my daughter. She was in shock. I told her, "God told me to let it go and I am forgiven. Mom, you are forgiven as well." We hugged and cried on each other's shoulder. From that day forward, my mom and I became the best of friends.
Often times, we face situations that we think because we made a bad decision that God won't forgive them. Well, I am here to tell you, HE WILL! So, stop walking in condemnation!! The bible says in 1 John 1:9 states, "If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness." Romans 8:1 tells us, "Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death." Remember, the enemy comes to condemn. So, believe in His Word! It will not return void. God is NOT a man that He shall lie. Do you believe that He can save you? Do you believe that he can and will forgive you? Then, let go of whatever that you are holding on to. Give it to Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith. Let Him comfort you and I guarantee He will love you the same...
Thursday, December 26, 2013
Wednesday, December 25, 2013
I Took a Life...Am I Forgiven?
This is part 2 of "He Gave Me A Life". Click here to read from the beginning.
I tossed and turned that same night when I found out I was pregnant. At one point I was in disbelief that a person is growing inside of me. Wouldn't I be a horrible person to take it's life? Would I ever be forgiven for this, or better yet, wouldn't I end up in Hell for eternity? Even still, with these thoughts lingering in my head, I knew I couldn't be a good mother. I was young, I wanted to graduate from school so I can start a career. I didn't want to end up back in the projects where I grew up. There was no way I wanted to put a child through that. I made the decision to abort the child. I had to call **Brian.
The next day I called him to break the news. He was devastated. He didn't want me to abort the baby and he swore that he would stay with me and take care of me. He pleaded to me not to do it. But I didn't listen. I told him I'm doing it because it is the right thing for the both of us. He then said, "You are a selfish bi*ch, don't call me, I don't ever want to see you again." He hung up....and I never heard from him again. I was so depressed. I even had thoughts of suicide. I wanted to die...
March 18, 2005. The day has come for me to head to the clinic to get the operation done. My mother dropped me off and I went in. 15 minutes later, I was called to a room. I walked in, and I saw the bed with the ankle clamps attached to it. I saw a picture of a beach on the ceiling, a table full of tools, and a nurse. She asked me if I ever had an abortion before. Shaking, I told her no. She gave me a half-smile and told me it was going to be alright. She handed me a hospital gown and I took off my clothes and put it on. I laid on that bed, nervous, and scared. I heard **Brian's voice in my head, repeating those same words. I began to cry and I asked the Lord to please forgive me. I didn't know what else to do. Please have mercy on me. There was a knock on the door and the doctor walked in. He was tall, a little older looking, with glasses. He smiled at me and said he will make this as painless as possible. He will be done in 20 minutes. As I watched him open the clamps and move my legs to them, I couldn't help but think that I was now a murderer. There is no way God would ever forgive me. The nurse held my right hand, and the doctor asked me, "Are you ready?" I took a deep breath and said, "Yes."
He began to ask me about my life. What school I went to. What did I want to become when I graduated. He really tried to take my mind off of what he was doing. But I couldn't help but to feel his tools inside of me and hearing a vacuum-like sound pulling life out of me. I could literally feel something dis-attach itself from me. I started crying and told him to please stop. But by the time I said that, he said he was done. He told me that everything will be alright, but I wasn't alright. He took me to another room, where I saw other women laying on individual beds. Some women were laid in fetal position, rocking themselves. Some were sitting up crying. He took me to my bed and said, "I'll let you rest here for an hour. After that I will give you some meds to take from here on out." I laid on the bed and all I could hear in my head was "murderer", "liar", "selfish", "who wants you now?" "God won't forgive you", "You are a killer", "Kill yourself." I cried and cried, rocked myself until I fell asleep.
Tune in tomorrow for part 3. **Name is withheld.
I tossed and turned that same night when I found out I was pregnant. At one point I was in disbelief that a person is growing inside of me. Wouldn't I be a horrible person to take it's life? Would I ever be forgiven for this, or better yet, wouldn't I end up in Hell for eternity? Even still, with these thoughts lingering in my head, I knew I couldn't be a good mother. I was young, I wanted to graduate from school so I can start a career. I didn't want to end up back in the projects where I grew up. There was no way I wanted to put a child through that. I made the decision to abort the child. I had to call **Brian.
The next day I called him to break the news. He was devastated. He didn't want me to abort the baby and he swore that he would stay with me and take care of me. He pleaded to me not to do it. But I didn't listen. I told him I'm doing it because it is the right thing for the both of us. He then said, "You are a selfish bi*ch, don't call me, I don't ever want to see you again." He hung up....and I never heard from him again. I was so depressed. I even had thoughts of suicide. I wanted to die...
March 18, 2005. The day has come for me to head to the clinic to get the operation done. My mother dropped me off and I went in. 15 minutes later, I was called to a room. I walked in, and I saw the bed with the ankle clamps attached to it. I saw a picture of a beach on the ceiling, a table full of tools, and a nurse. She asked me if I ever had an abortion before. Shaking, I told her no. She gave me a half-smile and told me it was going to be alright. She handed me a hospital gown and I took off my clothes and put it on. I laid on that bed, nervous, and scared. I heard **Brian's voice in my head, repeating those same words. I began to cry and I asked the Lord to please forgive me. I didn't know what else to do. Please have mercy on me. There was a knock on the door and the doctor walked in. He was tall, a little older looking, with glasses. He smiled at me and said he will make this as painless as possible. He will be done in 20 minutes. As I watched him open the clamps and move my legs to them, I couldn't help but think that I was now a murderer. There is no way God would ever forgive me. The nurse held my right hand, and the doctor asked me, "Are you ready?" I took a deep breath and said, "Yes."
He began to ask me about my life. What school I went to. What did I want to become when I graduated. He really tried to take my mind off of what he was doing. But I couldn't help but to feel his tools inside of me and hearing a vacuum-like sound pulling life out of me. I could literally feel something dis-attach itself from me. I started crying and told him to please stop. But by the time I said that, he said he was done. He told me that everything will be alright, but I wasn't alright. He took me to another room, where I saw other women laying on individual beds. Some women were laid in fetal position, rocking themselves. Some were sitting up crying. He took me to my bed and said, "I'll let you rest here for an hour. After that I will give you some meds to take from here on out." I laid on the bed and all I could hear in my head was "murderer", "liar", "selfish", "who wants you now?" "God won't forgive you", "You are a killer", "Kill yourself." I cried and cried, rocked myself until I fell asleep.
Tune in tomorrow for part 3. **Name is withheld.
Tuesday, December 24, 2013
He Gave Me A Life
When you turn 18 and graduate from high school, most of us feel like we are on top of the world and nothing nor anyone can stop us or tell us what to do. Some of us go to college, and others say, I'm done with school! But then, life hits you like a ton of bricks and you wish that you can turn back the hands of time. For me, I felt like I wanted to die...
It was August, 2004. I was ready to leave my mother's house to attend Virginia State University. I remember when my mother dropped me off at my dorm room and I didn't feel sad at all. In fact, when she left, I said "Good riddance"! I felt free. No more curfews. No more of mom telling me what to do. I can do what I want! I started hanging out with females that I knew were not really my friends, but I did it to become popular. I went to parties with them. They have enticed me to smoke and drink, but I could always hear my mom's voice telling me not to. So much for being "grown" huh?! So I never did any of those things, which quickly, they stopped asking me to come to parties with them. So once again, I felt like no one wanted to be around me.
December of that same year, I was feeling lonely and I decided to call one of the local chat lines to meet a guy, and I did. Brian** was from Suffolk and I told him when I come home to Norfolk on my break from school, let's meet up. Not long after that, we began to date. He was inspiring to be a reggae rapper and even made music videos. He didn't have a lot, but he treated me like gold. I thought I had really met the one that I wanted to be with. I went back to VA State happy, and glad that I found someone. February 2005, I came back home for the weekend. I told my mom that I was going out to dinner and a movie with him. She told me, "If you are not back in this house by 11:00pm, I will lock the door on you. Don't play with me." I laughed at it, thinking that my mom wouldn't do that to me...so I thought.
It was 10:55pm, traffic was backed up, and Brian** was trying his best to get me home. I arrived home at 11:10pm. I sat in his car, nervous. I asked him, "What if my mom did lock the door on me?" He said, "Don't worry. I wouldn't leave you out here in the cold. You can come home with me." I walked to the front door, and lo and behold, she locked me out! I banged on the door three times, and she never came to open it. I sat on the porch crying. He came out the car, grabbed me, and took me back to his house. As I laid in the bed beside him, I couldn't help but think that maybe mom didn't care about me. Not once did she call me to tell me come home. I felt hurt and unloved. As these statements were replaying in my head, I remember hearing Brian** say, "I'm here for you. And I love you." With that being said, we ended up having sex. I was on birth control, and he used a condom. I knew I wasn't going to get pregnant....
A few weeks after that incident, I remember being in school and I started vomiting. I was in a lot of pain and I didn't know what it was. I was sent to the nurse and she performed the pregnancy test. The test came back positive. I WAS PREGNANT. I was in shock and I was scared to tell my mother. An hour later, I braced myself and called. My mother called me every name besides the name she gave me. She told me she was very upset and disappointed at me. She told me if I had this baby, I would get no help from her, I would have to move out on my own and take care of it myself. She told me to get an abortion and she wasn't going to pay for it. I remember how low I felt. I was disappointed and confused. Even though I wasn't saved, I thought that if I killed God's child, that was the unforgivable sin. But I was willing to do it because, in my eyes, I was unfit to be a mother. But where and how will I get the money to perform a $450 operation? The only person I could think of that would help me was my Aunt. I called her, and she said "Ok. I'll send you the money tomorrow. Take it as an early graduation gift. Don't let it happen again." I believed I was doing the right thing...
Check back tomorrow as I continue to share how this event changed my life significantly. **The name is withheld.
Before My Mother Formed Me, He Knew Me
Jeremiah 1:4:8 The word of the LORD came to me, saying, "Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations." "Ah, Sovereign LORD," I said, "I do not know how to speak; I am only a child."But the LORD said to me, "Do not say, 'I am only a child.' You must go to everyone I send you to and say whatever I command you. Do not be afraid of them, for I am with you and will rescue you," declares the LORD.
Ever since I was a child, I always knew that I was different from all other girls. I was the typical shy, "four-eyed" little girl that kept to herself. I never had a lot of friends, was bullied constantly, and often times, ran home crying because of the torment I faced in school.
I grew up in Diggs Park in Norfolk. My Father at the time was very abusive and was strung out on drugs, and my Mother worked two jobs to take care of my sister and I. We always had a good Christmas, food on the table, even though it wasn't necessarily what we wanted, and a home in a neighborhood that was pretty much dangerous to live in. Momma didn't have the money to get us the name brand clothes and shoes, but she did what she could and when back to school came around, we always had nice things. Even still, I was tormented physically, verbally and spiritually. I began having dreams about places and things being destroyed and also saw demons. In fact, while I was sleeping, I felt a presence climb on top of me and literally pin me down and cover my mouth. That happened very often and I didn't know or understand what it was.
When my Mother and Father divorced, I could hear voices in my mind saying, "Your dad doesn't love you", or "Your dad is going to die and it's your fault." At 9 years old, I believed those thoughts and didn't understand why my Dad didn't want to be with my Mom. I actually thought it was my fault that they broke up. Then, my stepfather entered into the picture. I thought that he was trying to take the place of my Dad, so I made sure that he never got too close to me to the point where I would let my guard down. For the longest time, I never understood the consequences that I would face because I no longer had a covering....until I turned 15 years old and entered into my first year of high school.
During high school years, I had a few boyfriends, but I often fell for the "I love you baby" or "you're pretty" statement, so for a person like me who was insecure and had low self-esteem, I gravitated towards them. I started out with a few friends, but came my senior year, they all went their separate ways. Their excuse was "you never wanted to have fun with us." I was called "Momma" of my friends because I always tried to think about what I'm doing before I do it and would hardly ever do what they wanted me to do. Plus, my mom was half-crazy so I really tried my best to not get caught by her! But, what was interesting is, whenever they needed advice, they would come back to me. How about that!
My stepfather and I really didn't get along during this period. I respected him because he was providing for us, but I never got close to him because he rarely made himself available. He was the type of person, who I felt, loved to throw the bible in someone's face and make them feel condemned for what they done. No mercy! For that reason, I always told myself, "If that's what a Christian is, then I rather be a sinner..."
When I turned 18, I was dating a guy who I felt that I could be with. We went to the senior prom together, and because I thought he loved me and I could trust him, I gave him something that I can never get back. Something, if I known better, that I should have saved for my husband. I gave him me, my virginity. I felt nasty, violated, and so empty inside. That night when I returned home, I actually prayed and asked the Lord for forgiveness. I wasn't a Christian at the time, but I knew what I did was wrong. I asked Him to fix this.....and He did.
A month later, that same guy that I was dating broke up with me. I thought that I would have a hard time with that news, but I actually healed from the experience. I was then invited to my church's banquet later on that same month. I listened to this man get up a speak a message that shook me to my core. He talked about what it was like for him to grow up with some of the same issues I faced and how he overcame. After he was done, all I wanted to do was shake his hand and say thank you. I did so, and he stated to me, "Dare to be different." I didn't fully have the understanding of what that meant until I got older, but as a young teenager, I held onto those words for dear life.
As I write this post, I understand how important it is to have the mother and the father in the household. Whenever one is absent, the child will grow up with some deficiencies. The Mother is the nurturer and the caretaker of the home. The Father is to protect, provide, and give identity. Because I didn't have a father figure in my life, I, unconsciously, began to look for love and for someone to approve of me, when all along I was suppose to receive that stamp of approval from my father. And even though my mom was not perfect, she did the very best she could to raise me to be the woman that I am today, and for that I will always honor her. Because of my past, I have always vowed that if I get married, that I would want a stable household for my children to live in. I don't want to have to struggle like my mom did to take care of my children, or have to live in the worst neighborhood just to make sure that I have a roof over my head. I know I could not choose what family I wanted to be born into, but I knew that God has placed me in this family for a reason. He called me to be separate, since the beginning of my understanding. He spoke through the man who told me "Dare to be different." God was constantly speaking into my life and I didn't even realize it. When I felt like he was no where to be found, he was carrying me all along. And for that, I give him praise.
Ever since I was a child, I always knew that I was different from all other girls. I was the typical shy, "four-eyed" little girl that kept to herself. I never had a lot of friends, was bullied constantly, and often times, ran home crying because of the torment I faced in school.
I grew up in Diggs Park in Norfolk. My Father at the time was very abusive and was strung out on drugs, and my Mother worked two jobs to take care of my sister and I. We always had a good Christmas, food on the table, even though it wasn't necessarily what we wanted, and a home in a neighborhood that was pretty much dangerous to live in. Momma didn't have the money to get us the name brand clothes and shoes, but she did what she could and when back to school came around, we always had nice things. Even still, I was tormented physically, verbally and spiritually. I began having dreams about places and things being destroyed and also saw demons. In fact, while I was sleeping, I felt a presence climb on top of me and literally pin me down and cover my mouth. That happened very often and I didn't know or understand what it was.
When my Mother and Father divorced, I could hear voices in my mind saying, "Your dad doesn't love you", or "Your dad is going to die and it's your fault." At 9 years old, I believed those thoughts and didn't understand why my Dad didn't want to be with my Mom. I actually thought it was my fault that they broke up. Then, my stepfather entered into the picture. I thought that he was trying to take the place of my Dad, so I made sure that he never got too close to me to the point where I would let my guard down. For the longest time, I never understood the consequences that I would face because I no longer had a covering....until I turned 15 years old and entered into my first year of high school.
During high school years, I had a few boyfriends, but I often fell for the "I love you baby" or "you're pretty" statement, so for a person like me who was insecure and had low self-esteem, I gravitated towards them. I started out with a few friends, but came my senior year, they all went their separate ways. Their excuse was "you never wanted to have fun with us." I was called "Momma" of my friends because I always tried to think about what I'm doing before I do it and would hardly ever do what they wanted me to do. Plus, my mom was half-crazy so I really tried my best to not get caught by her! But, what was interesting is, whenever they needed advice, they would come back to me. How about that!
My stepfather and I really didn't get along during this period. I respected him because he was providing for us, but I never got close to him because he rarely made himself available. He was the type of person, who I felt, loved to throw the bible in someone's face and make them feel condemned for what they done. No mercy! For that reason, I always told myself, "If that's what a Christian is, then I rather be a sinner..."
When I turned 18, I was dating a guy who I felt that I could be with. We went to the senior prom together, and because I thought he loved me and I could trust him, I gave him something that I can never get back. Something, if I known better, that I should have saved for my husband. I gave him me, my virginity. I felt nasty, violated, and so empty inside. That night when I returned home, I actually prayed and asked the Lord for forgiveness. I wasn't a Christian at the time, but I knew what I did was wrong. I asked Him to fix this.....and He did.
A month later, that same guy that I was dating broke up with me. I thought that I would have a hard time with that news, but I actually healed from the experience. I was then invited to my church's banquet later on that same month. I listened to this man get up a speak a message that shook me to my core. He talked about what it was like for him to grow up with some of the same issues I faced and how he overcame. After he was done, all I wanted to do was shake his hand and say thank you. I did so, and he stated to me, "Dare to be different." I didn't fully have the understanding of what that meant until I got older, but as a young teenager, I held onto those words for dear life.
As I write this post, I understand how important it is to have the mother and the father in the household. Whenever one is absent, the child will grow up with some deficiencies. The Mother is the nurturer and the caretaker of the home. The Father is to protect, provide, and give identity. Because I didn't have a father figure in my life, I, unconsciously, began to look for love and for someone to approve of me, when all along I was suppose to receive that stamp of approval from my father. And even though my mom was not perfect, she did the very best she could to raise me to be the woman that I am today, and for that I will always honor her. Because of my past, I have always vowed that if I get married, that I would want a stable household for my children to live in. I don't want to have to struggle like my mom did to take care of my children, or have to live in the worst neighborhood just to make sure that I have a roof over my head. I know I could not choose what family I wanted to be born into, but I knew that God has placed me in this family for a reason. He called me to be separate, since the beginning of my understanding. He spoke through the man who told me "Dare to be different." God was constantly speaking into my life and I didn't even realize it. When I felt like he was no where to be found, he was carrying me all along. And for that, I give him praise.
Wednesday, December 4, 2013
So...I Have Started a Blog!
Hello everyone and WELCOME TO MY BLOG!!
It was suggested to me a couple of days ago that I should document my journey "after the vows" and I said, hey, why not??!!
Only few know my story, and I have always been hesitant to share it, but I have gained the courage to share my story of how the Lord brought me from the lowest point of my life, to the best days of my life. So, be on the lookout for my posts starting this weekend.
I really hope that this site encourages single women and men to wait on the Lord for their mate and I also hope this encourages those who are married, to stay married!. I truly believe that God has someone special for each of his children, and if we just trust and believe in Him, it will come to pass.
I love you all with the love of Christ!!
~Mrs. Marion
It was suggested to me a couple of days ago that I should document my journey "after the vows" and I said, hey, why not??!!
Only few know my story, and I have always been hesitant to share it, but I have gained the courage to share my story of how the Lord brought me from the lowest point of my life, to the best days of my life. So, be on the lookout for my posts starting this weekend.
I really hope that this site encourages single women and men to wait on the Lord for their mate and I also hope this encourages those who are married, to stay married!. I truly believe that God has someone special for each of his children, and if we just trust and believe in Him, it will come to pass.
I love you all with the love of Christ!!
~Mrs. Marion
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