As time progressed, I tried to adjust to living my life by myself. Once again, I was alone. I was hurt, confused and depressed. And God? I push Him to the side because I felt like He was the one that caused all of this to happen. I haven't heard from *Jonathan in a month, so I knew he was done with me. I tried to go to work and pretend that everything is normal, but, on many occasions, I found myself breaking down in tears. I couldn't pull myself together. I wasn't the same anymore. I felt like the living dead. I told myself that maybe I should take time off and see a therapist. Well, one day at work, my supervisor saw that I was not myself and told me to take a couple days off....and I did just that.
I put off going to see the therapist because I thought that I would be ok....so I thought. On Friday evening, my father came in my room to see how I was doing. When he found me, I was once again crying. I remember him asking me why was I crying. I told him he wouldn't understand. He then begin to say that I shouldn't be crying over a man and that I need to be stronger than that. I looked at him and screamed at him. I told him to leave me alone! But, he continued to stand there and say more things to me, which at that point, all I heard was mumbling from him. I blocked out everything he was saying. I wanted to escape from him, so I got up, pushed him out of the way and made my way to the door. As I walked past the kitchen, I stopped. I looked to the left and I saw a knife on the kitchen table. I grabbed it and headed out the door. It was pouring down raining, but I didn't care. I hid behind the apartment complex and fell in the grass. I sat there with tears streaming down my face asking God why? Why did He put me through this? Why doesn't *Jonathan love me anymore? Does anyone care for me? Why did you leave me Lord? I thought you cared for me? A few seconds later, I heard a voice saying, "it would be better if you leave this place." I pulled out the knife from my pocket. As I stared at it, the voice said, "go ahead and do it, it would be better for everyone and you will feel better." More tears came down my face and I was shaking. I began to listen to that voice. I felt like that's what I needed to do. As I raised the knife up to cut myself, I heard a loud voice saying, "NO!!" I immediately dropped the knife and started to shake out of fear. What was that? I thought. I saw flashlights and then saw my dad. He picked me up from out of the grass and asked me, "What's wrong with you? Did you try to kill yourself?" I couldn't say anything. I was in a complete daze. I heard my dad talking to the police officer telling him that everything is ok and thanked him for his help. He brought me in the house and he asked me again what was I doing? I looked at him and said, "If you loved me, you would have known why I was doing it. No one cares and no one loves me. Just leave me alone!" I walked into my room and slammed the door.
Later that evening, I was in bed crying myself to sleep. All kinds of thoughts were running through my head. Maybe I should have killed myself, then things would have been better. At least I would have been in a better place than here. No one will miss me anyway. As those thoughts continued to plague my brain, I eventually fell asleep. A few hours later, I woke up to something. It felt like something or someone was holding me. I was scared, so I began to fight and toss and turn. The embrace got tighter. This time I said, "Please, let go of me! I'm sorry! Please don't hurt me!" But, all I heard was a soft and quiet voice saying, "sssshhhh...." Oh my God! What is that? I thought. I stopped fighting and I calmed down. I couldn't see what was happening, but I felt every bit of it. As I shed tears, the tears were disappearing off my face and I literally felt someone rocking me to sleep like a baby. I knew right then and there that Jesus had to be comforting me. At that moment, peace began to come over me and I felt a warm sensation go throughout my body. I fell asleep.
When I woke up the next morning, I felt like I could try this walk again with the Lord. I asked Him to please give me strength to fight and heal. I knew he was with me and that's all I needed. I thanked Him for comforting and I repented for what I done and asked Him for forgiveness and mercy. I knew that at that point, The Lord has forgiven me and I can move on. I went to apologize to my dad for my actions and he hugged me and told me that he loves me and don't ever think that no one does. That made me feel much better knowing that he still loves me in spite of what I did. I was once again ready to take on the world, but this time, just the Lord and I.
Hebrews 13:5 (b) "Never will I leave you, never will I forsake you." When your back is against the wall and only have one leg to stand on, He will always come to comfort you. He will never leave you comfortless! Through this experience, I have learned to trust in Him, even when things seem dark and bleak. I began to lean on him for my healing, and I allowed Him to make me new again and help me become the woman that He wanted me to become.
Tuesday, February 25, 2014
Wednesday, February 5, 2014
It Is Finished....It's Over
Part 5...
Summer 2009. Our marriage was pretty much non-existant. We still went to church together, and visited family, but no one ever knew what was going on behind closed doors. It was so hard for me to smile in their face, but deep down inside I was hurting. I felt unloved, unappreciated, and just plain ugly. Sometimes I would build up the courage to try to talk to him and see if he's willing to work things out, but, as usual, it would backfire and we would start to argue. It got to the point that during heated arguments, I would throw things, slam doors and even yelled out, "You might as well divorce me because you don't love me." I knew it was getting ready to end, but Jonathan* did something that really just broke the straw off the camel's back...
One day during the summer, he stepped out to go to the store. I had my unctions that maybe he could be cheating on me, so I went on the computer and started searching. His email box was open so I started looking in the sent messages. Lo, and behold, he was talking to a female behind my back telling her that he can't wait to see her again when he gets back to Maryland. WHAT??!! I was heated. Ok, so he wants to talk to other females but won't talk to me...ok, I thought. I proceed to check his Myspace account and found out that he was talking to several other women, all with big boobs and big butts and he's asking them out on dates. At this point, I think I was more upset than shocked. I had a feeling that he could have been creeping around on me, but I didn't think that he would stoop this low, especially from a man that "loves the Lord and wants to be obedient." I wanted to confront him about this. I made up in my mind that I was going to do so.
When he arrived home, I pretended that everything is fine. I left the Myspace and his email account up so that I can show him that I know what's he's doing in the dark. I asked him if he's being unfaithful. And of course, he looks at me as if I lost my mind. I turned on the computer monitor and showed him. He was silent. "How dare you do this to me! I know we are struggling right now, but it still doesn't give you the right to do this!" I yelled. This is what he said in response: "Why did you go into my email account? You invading my privacy. I haven't met up with none of those women on MySpace so I haven't been unfaithful." At this point, I told him I was through. I wanted a divorce and I'm moving out next week. I took off my ring and threw it in his face. He gets up and pushes me to the ground and tells me, "If that's what you want, fine!" I sat there and cried, but I quickly wiped my tears, grabbed my phone and called my dad. I told him everything that happened and told him that *Jonathan put his hands on me. My dad was heated. He told me that I can stay with him until I get on my feet. A few moments later, Jonathan* storms in the bedroom where I was at and asked, "Why did your father threaten me? You did this Lavena! You made him do this!" What did my dad do? My dad left a very threatening message on his phone, saying, "She told me you put your hands on her. Well, I'll be there in 10 minutes. Let's see if you put your hands on me. You must be ready to die." To be honest, I was glad that my dad said that because I wanted *Jonathan to taste his own medicine. I can tell he was scared. I called my dad and told him not to come over. I got it from here. It took everything in my power to make my dad stay home.
That next week, as I was packing, I was on craigslist looking to see if anyone responded to the furniture I was selling. I saw my ring on a post that had *Jonathan's contact info. He was trying to sell it for $100! Wow! I was mad, but I told myself it really doesn't even matter anymore. He can do what he wants with it. I finished packing, told *Jonathan goodbye, and left...for good. When I arrived at my dads, he told me to stay as long as I wanted. He had a room for me and told me that everything is going to be alright and not to worry about *Jonathan. He will reap what he sown. I heard my dad, but I let it go in one ear and out the other. I went into the spare room, crashed on the bed, and cried my heart out. For three years, I dealt with the abuse from him. Why did I stay so long? Why didn't I pay attention to the signs early on in our relationship? I felt depressed and guilty. My self-esteem and confidence was non-existant. I didn't know what to do anymore. I knew one thing: If no one loves me, then I must not be worth anything to this world.
A month later, I received an email from *Jonathan. He stated that he didn't want a divorce but he just wanted to separate for a little while until he got himself together. He said that God hates divorce and if I want a divorce then I should file the paperwork, but he's not going to do it. What? So you want me to wait on you? Heck NO! If you don't want to be with me, then fine. I will file the paperwork, I thought. A couple of days later, I received another email from him. As I read, he said something that really just drove me crazy. He said that he was abused when he was a kid and didn't know how to talk to anybody about it. But then, he turned the blame on me and said that I always came at him wrong when I wanted to talk about his past. At this point, I really gave up. I threw in the towel. I didn't want anything to do with him and I didn't want anything to do with God. Why would God put me through all of this? Now, this man is saying that he was abused, but I constantly tried to talk to him and told him that I would help him through this, but he still blames me for everything!! I lost my mind. I had no sense of self. I was ready to do the inevitable.....commit suicide.
Tune in for part 6. *Name is withheld.
Summer 2009. Our marriage was pretty much non-existant. We still went to church together, and visited family, but no one ever knew what was going on behind closed doors. It was so hard for me to smile in their face, but deep down inside I was hurting. I felt unloved, unappreciated, and just plain ugly. Sometimes I would build up the courage to try to talk to him and see if he's willing to work things out, but, as usual, it would backfire and we would start to argue. It got to the point that during heated arguments, I would throw things, slam doors and even yelled out, "You might as well divorce me because you don't love me." I knew it was getting ready to end, but Jonathan* did something that really just broke the straw off the camel's back...
One day during the summer, he stepped out to go to the store. I had my unctions that maybe he could be cheating on me, so I went on the computer and started searching. His email box was open so I started looking in the sent messages. Lo, and behold, he was talking to a female behind my back telling her that he can't wait to see her again when he gets back to Maryland. WHAT??!! I was heated. Ok, so he wants to talk to other females but won't talk to me...ok, I thought. I proceed to check his Myspace account and found out that he was talking to several other women, all with big boobs and big butts and he's asking them out on dates. At this point, I think I was more upset than shocked. I had a feeling that he could have been creeping around on me, but I didn't think that he would stoop this low, especially from a man that "loves the Lord and wants to be obedient." I wanted to confront him about this. I made up in my mind that I was going to do so.
When he arrived home, I pretended that everything is fine. I left the Myspace and his email account up so that I can show him that I know what's he's doing in the dark. I asked him if he's being unfaithful. And of course, he looks at me as if I lost my mind. I turned on the computer monitor and showed him. He was silent. "How dare you do this to me! I know we are struggling right now, but it still doesn't give you the right to do this!" I yelled. This is what he said in response: "Why did you go into my email account? You invading my privacy. I haven't met up with none of those women on MySpace so I haven't been unfaithful." At this point, I told him I was through. I wanted a divorce and I'm moving out next week. I took off my ring and threw it in his face. He gets up and pushes me to the ground and tells me, "If that's what you want, fine!" I sat there and cried, but I quickly wiped my tears, grabbed my phone and called my dad. I told him everything that happened and told him that *Jonathan put his hands on me. My dad was heated. He told me that I can stay with him until I get on my feet. A few moments later, Jonathan* storms in the bedroom where I was at and asked, "Why did your father threaten me? You did this Lavena! You made him do this!" What did my dad do? My dad left a very threatening message on his phone, saying, "She told me you put your hands on her. Well, I'll be there in 10 minutes. Let's see if you put your hands on me. You must be ready to die." To be honest, I was glad that my dad said that because I wanted *Jonathan to taste his own medicine. I can tell he was scared. I called my dad and told him not to come over. I got it from here. It took everything in my power to make my dad stay home.
That next week, as I was packing, I was on craigslist looking to see if anyone responded to the furniture I was selling. I saw my ring on a post that had *Jonathan's contact info. He was trying to sell it for $100! Wow! I was mad, but I told myself it really doesn't even matter anymore. He can do what he wants with it. I finished packing, told *Jonathan goodbye, and left...for good. When I arrived at my dads, he told me to stay as long as I wanted. He had a room for me and told me that everything is going to be alright and not to worry about *Jonathan. He will reap what he sown. I heard my dad, but I let it go in one ear and out the other. I went into the spare room, crashed on the bed, and cried my heart out. For three years, I dealt with the abuse from him. Why did I stay so long? Why didn't I pay attention to the signs early on in our relationship? I felt depressed and guilty. My self-esteem and confidence was non-existant. I didn't know what to do anymore. I knew one thing: If no one loves me, then I must not be worth anything to this world.
A month later, I received an email from *Jonathan. He stated that he didn't want a divorce but he just wanted to separate for a little while until he got himself together. He said that God hates divorce and if I want a divorce then I should file the paperwork, but he's not going to do it. What? So you want me to wait on you? Heck NO! If you don't want to be with me, then fine. I will file the paperwork, I thought. A couple of days later, I received another email from him. As I read, he said something that really just drove me crazy. He said that he was abused when he was a kid and didn't know how to talk to anybody about it. But then, he turned the blame on me and said that I always came at him wrong when I wanted to talk about his past. At this point, I really gave up. I threw in the towel. I didn't want anything to do with him and I didn't want anything to do with God. Why would God put me through all of this? Now, this man is saying that he was abused, but I constantly tried to talk to him and told him that I would help him through this, but he still blames me for everything!! I lost my mind. I had no sense of self. I was ready to do the inevitable.....commit suicide.
Tune in for part 6. *Name is withheld.
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