The Ultimate Test

Jesus said in Matthew 6:14 (NIV) that "If you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you."  How many times have we, as Christians, say that we forgive someone for doing us wrong?  What if we were put to the ultimate test to prove that we have forgiven them?  I was put in a difficult situation where I had to choose to obey God or be disobedient...I obeyed God:

In July of 2012, I was invited to travel with a group of friends to a marriage conference held in Atlanta, Georgia.  I thought that it would be good for me to go so that I can learn more from those who have been married longer than I have, and to also have a good time.  I was told that I needed to register on Facebook to be included in the total count.  I went to the conference event page and it had a list of all who were attending.  As I looked through it, my mouth dropped wide open when I saw who was coming.  MY EX-HUSBAND! I clicked on his name and it said that he now lives in Atlanta, Georgia.  I couldn't believe it!  I immediately changed my mind and decided not to go because I didn't want to see his face.  I told my friends and they strongly suggested that I still should attend.  They believed that it could possibly bring some closure.  I battled with that for a while, but when it came close to the conference date, I decided to go ahead and attend.

As I was riding in the back seat of my friends car, I couldn't help how nervous I was seeing my ex again.  I knew that I had forgiven him, especially when he called me out the blue and apologized for everything, but seeing him again?  I didn't think I was ready for that.  I guess my forgiveness for him was about to be tested. As we arrived in Atlanta, my heart started to beat even faster.  My hands were clammy and all kinds of thoughts were in my head.  What if he brings another girl? What if he  ignores me? I had to hurry up and cast down those thoughts because we had arrived at the church the conference was being held at.  I stepped inside the church and I looked around to see if I see him. So far, no sign of Johnathan*.  I was relieved, but still was on edge thinking that maybe he will show up.  Later, as I was trying to listen to the speakers, every time I heard a door open and close, I would turn around to see if was coming. No sign of him.  I was so distracted by this, that I could hardly pay attention to what was being said.  I knew that I needed to let him go.  Even if he does show up, I needed to be totally free to the point that I could tolerate being in the same room with him. I WANTED FREEDOM. As day one of the conference was getting ready to end, they called up ministers to the alter to pray for anyone that needed deliverance or healing.  I made my way to the front and I had this couple, whom I just met a month ago, pray for me.  I told them what the situation was and as they prayed for me, the lady said to me, "God is preparing you for your husband, but you must allow the Lord to heal you.  He has you alone right now so that he may deal with you."  Then, her husband said, "God is covering you with a veil, only to be released when the timing is right."  Last thing I know, I was on my knees asking the Lord for healing and deliverance.  I went to sleep that night in peace knowing that the Lord has me in the palm of his hand.

The next day, as I was at the church for day two of the conference, I was thankful that I finally had the opportunity to really listen and to engage.I was at peace, whether he showed up or not.  Later on in the day, I heard the Lord say to me, "Call him and ask for forgiveness." What?! I thought that maybe I wasn't hearing from the Lord, so I ignored it.  Then, 15 minutes later, I heard it again.  I finally gave in and said, "Ok, if that's you speaking to me Lord, give me the strength and courage to do so."  I stepped outside of the church and proceeded to call Johnathan*.  Surprisingly, he answered.  I took a deep breath and begin to apologize to him for all that I have done in the marriage. I began to share how the Lord dealt with my issues and showed me who I was. I then asked for his forgiveness.  There was dead silence on the phone.  He said, "Wow, Lavena, you are a strong woman to do this. And yes, I forgive you." Then, I heard the Lord say, "Pray for him." So, I did. Next thing I know, I heard Johnathan's voice change, as if he was crying.  He thanked me and told me that I would make a great wife to a good man.  It truly blessed my heart to hear him say that to me. I was glad that I obeyed God instead of obeying my feelings. It truly brought closure between us and I felt like I can move on and walk out my deliverance.  I knew that I was maturing in the Lord quicker than I thought...

The Healing Begins

James1:1-4 says, "Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, never you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."  Even though the things I been through was a result of my own bad decisions, the consequences of my choices helped me to become more mature as a woman.  I thank God that I faced these situations and I don't regret it at all.  But, there comes a time in which you must heal from the devestation so that you can move forward. As I share this part of my story, read how the Lord began to heal me from my previous marriage...

December 2011.  I remember it was New Years eve.  I didn't attend church like I normally would.  I decided to stay home at my dad's to reflect on all the things I been through.  I was overwhelmed and was filled with grief and sorrow.  I cried to the Lord asking him, "What is it Lord? What do you want me to do? The last man didn't work so are you trying to tell me that I need to get back with my ex-husband? Or, do you want me by myself? Please show me the way, because my way isn't working!" And, for the longest time, I was on my knees waiting for an answer.  I eventually fell alseep.

The next morning was January 1, 2012.  It was a Sunday, so I prepared myself to attend church.  I had it in my mind that I was going to be alone until the Lord sends someone.  Not even a few minutes after I though that, I received a text message.  I was shocked to see who it was from.  It was Jonathan*!  He asked if he could speak with me.  What??!! I thought. We haven't talked since the divorce, so what does he want now?! I really didn't want to talk with him, but something told me to listen to him. So, I texted him back and told him to call me.  As I was driving, Jonathan called.  This is what he said:

"I know you are surprised to hear from me, but the Lord told me to call you today.  I just want to say that I am sorry.  I know we both made mistakes in our marriage, but I take the blame for most of it.  I should have never put you through that and I am genuinely sorry.  I've been praying that God would bless you with a better man than I ever was to you.  You are a queen Lavena, and I pray that one day you can forgive me. The Lord told me to tell you to let me go."

WOW! I couldn't believe what I was hearing out of this man's mouth.  After all the years of him blaming me for everything, he openly admits that he was wrong.  I was in shock.  I had to pull my car to the side because the tears began to stream down my face.  I told him thank you and I forgive him. After hanging up, I sat there and began to praise the Lord for answering my prayers so quickly!  Just the other night, I asked Him what I should do, and I found out from the horse's mouth!  From that point on, is where the healing began for me.  The Lord really worked on my heart and began to mold it back together.  All the hurt and pain that I was dealing with was being washed away.  This is what I needed in order to learn myself all over again and enjoy being single.  He also blessed me in the midst of it.

In February, my stepfather called and told me that he seen a house for rent on the next street from their house and was wondering if I'd be interested in checking it out.  I told him sure.  He found out that the house was a two bedroom, one bath and the owner wanted $900 a month.  I told him I couldn't afford it, but he said to hold on and he would contact the owner himself.  A week later, he gave me the number to the owner and told me to give her a call. She wanted to meet me.  So, I met this sweet old lady at the local McDonalds.  She asked me if I was one of those girls that have men in and out of the house! Hilarious, but I answered politely, no. She also asked if I'm responsible.  I told her yes I am and told her that I was interested in the house, but it was a little too steep for me.  And to my surprise, this lady asks me, "Well, can you afford $450 a month?" Yes, you heard me right! $450 a month!  I was so happy and told her I ACCEPT! My stepfather helped me with the deposit and I moved in a couple weeks later.  God had truly looked out me and knew that I needed to be on my own.  As time went by, I learned even more about myself and really enjoyed being single.  I started taking myself to the movies and once a month, I went to a nice restaurant by myself!  It felt so good and I didn't feel crazy at all.  It gave me confidence in who I am as a woman and in Christ.  I knew who I was and I wasn't going to change it for no one else.  Even though there were times where I felt lonely, but I knew I was never alone.  The Lord began to place some dynamic women of God, that were single, in my life to help me along the way.  I've enjoyed every bit of it and thanked God for what he was doing in me.

I've Been Set Free by God

This is a follow-up to my previous post, "My Secret Addiction".  I will now share how the Holy Spirit delivered me and helped me to stay free...

I finally gave up.  I wanted the Lord to break me away from the bondage that this addiction brings.  I cried out to him and even fasted for a period of time, just so I could die to the flesh and hear from Him. When I tell you the Lord showed up, He did.  He allowed me to connect with someone, who, I thought I would never connect to in a million years. I won't share who this person is due to privacy, but I thank God over and over again for this person that was in my life.  I remember openly admitting to them about my addiction. They said, "If you want to be free, you will stay free."  That stuck with me for a long time.  They ended up inviting me to their ministry, and I eventually went there for the first time in October of 2011.  This ministry was quite different than what I was use to.  It was in a bible study setting, but there was no praise and worship, just prayer and reading the Word.  When I heard this person teach, it grabbed my soul.  I have never heard someone expounded on scripture with such clarity and boldness.  This person was tough.  Didn't play any games with the devil and was quick to let you know when you are out of order.  Even though it was initially hard for me to hear it, it was the truth and it changed me to the core.  I remember them praying over me and I literally felt something leave my body.  I knew it was the spirit of perversion that was comfortable inside of me.  I was never the same again.

As I began to walk out my deliverance, I began to understand what kept me bound in the first place.  First, I wasn't praying as diligently as I should have.  The bible tells us to pray without ceasing, pray fervently. I was only praying when I got scared or felt guilty.  I should have been praying daily, and asking the Lord to help me with self control and resist the devil.  But instead, I allowed the enemy to have free reign to come in and out of life as he pleased.  Second, I wasn't reading and meditating over the Word of God. The Word is our daily bread.  When we don't feed our spirit man with the Word, eventually it will be mal-nutrient.  Just like if we don't feed our physical man with food, it will grow weak and feeble.  I began to study scriptures to help me break free:

• James 4:7 "Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you."
• Phillipians 4:8 "Finally brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report, if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things."
• 2 Corinthians 10:5 "Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ."

There are certainly more scriptures that have helped me, but these top three helped me to stay focused.  

Third, I didn't have an accountability partner.  Having accountability eliminates the secrecy and pride.  I remember when I first told a girlfriend of mine that was battling with this, she told me that if I ever struggle like that again, she told me to reach out her, no matter what time it is. She told me that she would never look down on me if I slipped and fell.  It definitely took me some time to learn to do this, but I eventually began confessing to her when I did fall. Once I understood that, it became a little easier for me to continue to walk out my deliverance.

 Unchecked sin is strengthened by pride, and pride strengthens unchecked sin.  Simple confession can actually feed that cycle; accountability breaks it.

Now, trust me, I won't sit here and say that I didn't ever struggle with this addiction again. I have fell many times in the past, but I continued to press on and stayed focused.  I continued to call on the Lord to help me through.  I even opened up to a few more female friends whom I knew would pray for me and be there for me when I need them.  And, I thank God for them still to this day.

Please remember, you do not have to struggle with this alone.  There are people out there to help you through this.  If you feel the need to share with someone, I'll be the first to provide a listening ear.  If you are connected to me on facebook, please inbox me, or feel free to email me at vena2g@yahoo.com.  I am willing to do whatever it takes to help you walk out in freedom.  Remember, whom the son sets free is free indeed!  You won't have to go through deliverance over and over again! Don't let the enemy isolate you and make you feel like something is wrong with you because of this addiction.  I personally know a couple of females who are or have battled with this same thing.  YOU ARE NOT ALONE.  If you are in need of resources, here are some websites that have helped me and I'm sure it will help you too:

• www.beggarsdaughter.com  - great blog of a woman who battle with a porn addiction
• www.settingcaptivesfree.com - great website where you can take a 60 day interactive course to help you break free.  you can also email someone (accountability partner) your answers to the questions you will be asked daily.
• www.covenanteyes.com - an overall great resource and provides software for you to install to block the websites.
• www.porn-free.org - an overall great resource.

My Secret Addiction

For as long as I can remember, I have battled with feelings of loneliness.  I didn't like being by myself, so I would always seek to find someone to be with.  And, even when I was in a relationship, I still felt very alone.  There have been many times when I've allowed the wrong thoughts to control my every move.  And, yes, Satan took full advantage of it, to the point where I became very addicted to making sure that I was satisfied...regardless.  I had an addiction....to pornography. Here is my story:

It all started when I was around 14 years old.  At this age, I've often dealt with low self esteem, not feeling wanted or pretty.  I was really good at covering up how I felt, and chose not to share it with anyone because I thought they wouldn't understand.  I often felt as if I had to remain strong around my friends and not show any signs of weakness.  I was also complimented by teachers on how mature I've carried myself and how I've always kept a smile on my face.  But no one could ever see the pain I was dealing with behind the smile.  No one ever knew that I went home broken, almost everyday from school.  One Saturday night, I remember I stayed up longer than I should have.  I was flipping through the channels and I came across a movie with two people having sex.  But, it didn't look like it was normal.  It was more shown than a typical movie that shows love scenes.  My eyes lit up and I was instantly engaged, so much so to the point that I found out that every Saturday around that time, this channel plays these kind of movies.  I made it my point to watch it again. Slowly, the grasp of this was pulling me closer.

As I got a little older, I noticed how I would find time to be alone.  Even while I attended VA State, I've watched it over and over again, almost daily.  I've downloaded movies and stashed it on my computer. No one ever knew about it.  When I gave my life to Jesus in March of 2005, I've learned in the bible that this was a type of sexual sin.  I knew it was wrong, but I felt like I was in too deep.  I should have reached out for help.  I had mature saints all around me, but I felt so bad to even discuss it.  You don't ever hear about women battling with pornography. With those thoughts in mind, I kept watching it and this time, I went even further....I masturbated to get the satisfaction I needed.

As time went on, the urge grew and I became addicted.  It got to the point where sometimes I couldn't get through the day without having some type of video playing and replaying in my head of what I've watched.  By the time I met my ex-husband, I knew that I had to stop watching it.  I never told him that I had a problem.  I assumed that if I pray, it would go away.  As soon as we were married, I've worked very hard to make sure that I don't ever watch it again.  But, as problems arose in the intimacy department of our marriage, it seemed as if porn was at the fore front of my mind.  I wasn't being pleased by him at all, so I found myself masturbating.  I remember confessing to him that I have done things and he told me that I was selfish and that was sodomy (yeah I know that's not what it means now).  As he continued to blame me, a took it up to another level. I started watching porn again, and he never knew anything about it.

I remember when I was introduced to G. Craige Lewis of ExMinistries in 2006, I was completely blown away by this man who stated that the music you are listening to has an effect on you. Sure, I believed that the Rap did, but I had no idea that RnB affects you as well.  In another DVD, he talked about the spirits of Sucubus and Incubus and how they intermingle with each other to visit you in the night, especially if you were involved in any kind of perversion, i.e. pornography to try to take advantage of you.  I was terrified and couldn't believe that these type of spirits were real, yet alone have names.  So, I prayed and asked the Lord to help me break free from the porn addiction.  Well, one night, I don't know if I was dreaming, but I remember something being on top of me and holding my mouth shut. I saw a huge, dark figure with wings.  I screamed to the top of my lungs, but it was as if no one could hear me.  I felt like I couldn't breathe.  This being was literally riding me and it hurt so bad.  It felt as if I was being raped.  I woke up breathing very heavy and I cried terribly.  I knew that I needed to talk to someone about what I experienced, but once again, the thoughts of condemnation were in my head.  So, I isolated myself from everyone because I didn't want anybody to sense that something was wrong with me.

I hid this addiction for several years after that experience.  I got into another relationship with a guy named Mike* in September 2010.  Crazy thing about this one is that he told me that he was addicted to porn as well.  We vowed to help each other with this.  Mike* downloaded software on my computer and set a password to block all porn sites.  I've done the same on his computer, but it didn't make it any better because we were having sex all the time.  So, that only made matters worse.  I started attending his church where he served as a Deacon.  It dawned on me that maybe he shouldn't be serving until he broke free from this.  But, I never said anything because I was dealing with the same thing myself.  In September of 2011, he invited me to come visit him in Indiana as he was sent there by his job to train.  He flew me out and we had a wonderful time.  The night before it was time for me to fly back home, I asked him if I could use his computer to check-in.  As soon as I typed the website, I seen a link that obviously pointed to porn.  I was in shock.  I didn't know how he figured out my password so that he now has access.  I immediately got mad and told him about it.  He said that he didn't know how to fight off the urges of being alone without me so he slipped up.  I had no mercy for him.  I felt unappreciated and unwanted.  It didn't dawned on me that I was doing the same thing he was doing, so how can I condemn him? I couldn't.  I remember going to sleep that night and I had a dream that Mike* walked up to my bed.  He said in a deep voice "what are you trying to do to me? what are you trying to do to me?!"  He then grabbed me by the throat and I literally felt like I was being lifted off the bed. His grip was so tight that I couldn't breathe.  I woke up and I told Mike* the dream.  He said he would never do that to me, but I knew that this addiction was deeper than I thought.  I knew I needed help. I wanted to freedom.  So, we eventually broke up and from there, I made up my mind that I wanted to be free, and I was going to be alone and not get into another relationship until the Lord released me.

Please stay tuned as I share how I got free from this addiction tomorrow.  I will also provide resources that has helped me along the way in my deliverance.  If any woman who is reading this post and is battling with the addiction to porn, please note that YOU ARE NOT ALONE.  We don't talk about this touchy subject as often as we should, and therefore many women don't know how to break free.  But, I have determined in my mind to share this story so that you may be healed and delivered as well.  Trust me, it is not an overnight process, but I PROMISE  you that Lord can and will help you through this!  I am here for you and willing to pray for you if need be.  If God can deliver me, he can deliver you!

Testing the Waters...Again

Just when I thought I was healed and through thinking about my past marriage, I ended up in a relationship that showed me that I am clearly not ready...

A couple of months went by since I separated from Jonathan.  I got involved in some professional and community activities to keep me busy.  I found out about a group called DivorceCare that helps women heal from broken marriages.  I met some wonderful ladies there and I was well on my way to healing.  One of the things that the group facilitator stressed is that it is dangerous to jump into another relationship too soon.  She suggested to spend some time before the Lord and learn yourself all over again so that you won't fall into the same trap.  Wise advice, but did I listen? Well, I thought I did...

It was December 2009, and I remember being invited to perform a praise dance at my co-workers youth function at her church.  I was honored and accepted the invitation.  That next week, I arrived at the church. It was a small congregation, but everyone seemed friendly.  As I was called to the front of the church to perform, I gave them the song that I was dancing to, which was Kurt Carr's "Set the Atmosphere", a song that has ministered to me for a long time.  I remember feeling free and knowing that the Lord was watching me.  When I was done, I received a standing ovation. I was glad they liked it, but most of all, I wanted the Lord to be pleased.  As I went to change back to my clothes, I felt really tired and I wanted to go home.  So, I headed for the door.  When I walked to it, I heard a soft voice say, "You did a great job."  I turned, and this guy was standing there, in nice attire, smiling at me.  He looked like he was from an island or somewhere.  I was startled.  He was very nice looking with such a pleasant personality. "You look like an angel out there, a free-flowing spirit.  You are a very beautiful woman." I felt myself revert back to my shy ways and I looked down at the floor in disbelief that this guy even noticed me.  I said thank you.  He began to ask me more about myself.  His name was *Eric.  He was Puerto-Rican and originally from Orlando, Florida. Wow, that's interesting...I thought.  He also told me that he was a Marine in the military.  Here we go...another military guy!  After an hour later, service was still going on, and we were still talking! He asked if he could take down my number.  Oh Lord...should I do this?  It's only been a couple of months since my ex and I separated...I thought.  I didn't want to pass him up, because I thought he could be the one, plus he was handsome.  I gave him my number and told him to call me.  He gave me a hug and said, talk to you soon.  Feeling the warm embrace of a man sent chills down my body. It felt good....and I wanted more.

We started dating early January 2010.  He treated me like I was a queen.  Anything I needed, he did it for me.  He was a saved man, but he really wasn't where he was suppose to be.  I found myself teaching him a lot about the bible, which I really didn't like, but I was willing to help push him in the direction he needed to go.  (Mistake!) My family also grew to love him and my mom treated him like a son.  Still, in the back of my mind, I was confused.  I liked him, but I wasn't sure if I wanted to be with him long term.  I knew that I had to at least get a divorce before I pursue the relationship any further.  I began to do my research and according to the courts, they stated that I must be separated for six months in order to proceed with the divorce.  So, in that case, February was the deadline.  I told *Eric about it, including everything I been through.  And, of course, he was in shock.  He told me that he would always be there for me, no matter what.  I knew that this man loved me, and I wanted to keep him around.  February 12th arrived, and I was able to head to court.  Thankfully, my mother worked in the Criminal Division so she was able to go with me to file the paperwork and go before the judge.  She knew who the judge was, so everything was smooth sailing.  *Johnathan didn't need to be there at all.  Thank God!  The judge signed the paperwork, and I was a free woman.  I became a Harris again.  I felt relieved and a weight was lifted off my shoulders.  I hugged my mother and thanked her for her support and I left the courthouse.

Throughout the next several months, *Eric and I grew closer together.  We would go out almost all the time.  I even got the weird looks from other men, but *Eric was confident and didn't let that stop him from being with me.  He always said, "They can look all they want, but you are my woman!"  Too funny.  I remember when my laptop finally broke down on me.  I cried like a baby.  I told Eric and he asked me what kind of computer do I need?  I told him that an HP or Gateway would be nice, but I told him that I really would love a Mac.  He said, jokingly, that's kind of expensive.  I told him either way, I would be happy with any computer so that I can continue to work on my business.  Later on that day, he picked me up and we went to Best Buy.  He told me to look around for a laptop and he will be right back.  Wondering why he left me, I begin to look around the store.  Eric was nowhere to be found.  I left it alone and I headed for the Mac center.  Immediately, I fell in love.  I was in Mac heaven! It had everything I needed and more. If only I could afford a Mac...I thought.  Next thing I knew, Eric snuck up behind me and scared me.  He said, "You really like that Mac huh?"  I looked at him and said Yes, but it's too expensive.  He smiled and said, "Today is your lucky day."  He gave me a best buy bag and in it was a brand new MacBook Pro!  Tears came down my face!  I couldn't believe this man bought me a $1400 laptop.  I was in amazement and started jumping up and down like I was a kid at a carnival.  I thanked him over and over for it.  He said anything to make me happy.  And, truly, I was happy.  Not just because he bought me a laptop, but because I never had anyone really care for me like that.  He's definitely a keeper!  As a couple more months went by, he told me that he really wanted me to meet his family.  They all are in Orlando, Florida, so he offered for me to come with him to visit them.  He told me that his mom worked for Disney over 20 years and could get us a great deal on disney world tickets.  I told him yes!  What an opportunity to go somewhere that I never been before.  He flew me down to Florida and to my surprise, his mother arranged for us to stay at a Disney resort for four days and tickets to all the theme parks.  She even arranged for me to enjoy myself at a Day Spa.  I really felt like I was living the life!  Eric spoiled me rotten while I was there. I had a wonderful time. (Everything up to this point sounds good right?  Keep reading)...

At the end of June, close to July, things began to shift a little.  When I wanted to have some alone time, Eric would constantly call me.  He always wanted to be around me, everywhere I go.  He started to get insecure when I didn't want to see him one day and began to assume that I didn't want to be with him anymore.  So, I began to think and I had to be honest with myself.  Eric was a really nice guy.  He was compassionate, a giver, and most of all, loved me for who I was.  I thought that I loved him too, but he was ready to take it to the next level, something I knew I wasn't ready for.  I had to let him know that I just wanted to be friends, but how? How do I break the news to him?  I wasn't prepared nor had the guts to tell him to his face...

The next month, I remember him taking me to a car dealership to look at the new Kia Forte.  He wanted me to test drive it to see if I liked it.  I really loved that car.  Eric was smiling at me because he knew I was enjoying the car.  When we arrived back to my mother's house,  he went in the kitchen to talk to my mom while I was in the living room watching TV.  Eric came back and told me that he was going to leave since it was getting late and told me that he would see me tomorrow.  I should have said something then, but I was too afraid to break his heart. So, I prolonged telling him the truth again.  My mother came and joined me in the living room. She told me that Eric told her about the car I like and that he was prepared to buy the car for me.  My mouth dropped wide open!  My mother said that he was a nice guy and hope I stay with him.  I told her the truth about how I felt about him.  She told me that I had to tell him before he purchases the car.  So, I called him and broke the news to him.  Eric was in shock and kept asking me if it's something he did.  I told him that it was my fault and I should have told him a while ago how I felt.  Eric was heart broken.  I didn't hear from him for a while.  I cried about it, but then, I began to realize that I did the right thing.  I prayed for him and let him go about his own way.

Now, I know you all are wondering why would I let such a man walk out of my life?  To be honest, I wasn't ready nor did I know how to appreciate that type of love yet.  Yes, Eric really loved me and did everything in his power to keep me around, but deep down, I knew I wasn't healed from Jonathan.  I kept thinking about him and compared him to Eric, which is something I should have never done.  Eric was a rebound.  It was definitely too soon to start considering a new relationship, especially after all I been through in my marriage.  It was for my good and his own good that we go our separate ways.  I knew that I needed to be by myself and really allow the Lord to work on me, but I didn't.  I was afraid of being alone.  I didn't like being by myself, so having Eric around filled that void that should have been filled by God.  Ladies, please be honest with yourselves before jumping into relationships.  Ask yourself if you could really see yourself with that man long term, or are you just caught up in what he does for you.  Be careful not to initiate a relationship, especially after coming out of another one so soon.  Pray and ask the Lord.  He will tell you one way or another.

I Will Never Leave You, Nor Forsake You

As time progressed, I tried to adjust to living my life by myself.  Once again, I was alone.  I was hurt, confused and depressed.  And God? I push Him to the side because I felt like He was the one that caused all of this to happen.  I haven't heard from *Jonathan in a month, so I knew he was done with me.  I tried to go to work and pretend that everything is normal, but, on many occasions, I found myself breaking down in tears.  I couldn't pull myself together.  I wasn't the same anymore.  I felt like the living dead.  I told myself that maybe I should take time off and see a therapist.  Well, one day at work, my supervisor saw that I was not myself and told me to take a couple days off....and I did just that.

I put off going to see the therapist because I thought that I would be ok....so I thought.  On Friday evening, my father came in my room to see how I was doing.  When he found me, I was once again crying.  I remember him asking me why was I crying.  I told him he wouldn't understand.  He then begin to say that I shouldn't be crying over a man and that I need to be stronger than that.  I looked at him and screamed at him.  I told him to leave me alone! But, he continued to stand there and say more things to me, which at that point, all I heard was mumbling from him.  I blocked out everything he was saying.  I wanted to escape from him, so I got up, pushed him out of the way and made my way to the door.  As I walked past the kitchen, I stopped.  I looked to the left and I saw a knife on the kitchen table.  I grabbed it and headed out the door.  It was pouring down raining, but I didn't care.  I hid behind the apartment complex and fell in the grass.  I sat there with tears streaming down my face asking God why? Why did He put me through this?  Why doesn't *Jonathan love me anymore?  Does anyone care for me? Why did you leave me Lord?  I thought you cared for me? A few seconds later, I heard a voice saying, "it would be better if you leave this place."  I pulled out the knife from my pocket.  As I stared at it, the voice said, "go ahead and do it, it would be better for everyone and you will feel better."  More tears came down my face and I was shaking. I began to listen to that voice. I felt like that's what I needed to do.  As I raised the knife up to cut myself, I heard a loud voice saying, "NO!!" I immediately dropped the knife and started to shake out of fear.  What was that? I thought. I saw flashlights and then saw my dad.  He picked me up from out of the grass and asked me, "What's wrong with you? Did you try to kill yourself?"  I couldn't say anything.  I was in a complete daze.  I heard my dad talking to the police officer telling him that everything is ok and thanked him for his help.  He brought me in the house and he asked me again what was I doing? I looked at him and said, "If you loved me, you would have known why I was doing it. No one cares and no one loves me. Just leave me alone!" I walked into my room and slammed the door.

Later that evening, I was in bed crying myself to sleep.  All kinds of thoughts were running through my head.  Maybe I should have killed myself, then things would have been better. At least I would have been in a better place than here.  No one will miss me anyway.  As those thoughts continued to plague my brain, I eventually fell asleep.  A few hours later, I woke up to something.  It felt like something or someone was holding me.  I was scared, so I began to fight and toss and turn.  The embrace got tighter.  This time I said, "Please, let go of me! I'm sorry! Please don't hurt me!" But, all I heard was a soft and quiet voice saying, "sssshhhh...." Oh my God! What is that?  I thought.  I stopped fighting and I calmed down.  I couldn't see what was happening, but I felt every bit of it.  As I shed tears, the tears were disappearing off my face and I literally felt someone rocking me to sleep like a baby.  I knew right then and there that Jesus had to be comforting me.  At that moment, peace began to come over me and I felt a warm sensation go throughout my body. I fell asleep.

When I woke up the next morning, I felt like I could try this walk again with the Lord.  I asked Him to please give me strength to fight and heal.  I knew he was with me and that's all I needed.  I thanked Him for comforting and I repented for what I done and asked Him for forgiveness and mercy.  I knew that at that point, The Lord has forgiven me and I can move on.  I went to apologize to my dad for my actions and he hugged me and told me that he loves me and don't ever think that no one does.  That made me feel much better knowing that he still loves me in spite of what I did.  I was once again ready to take on the world, but this time, just the Lord and I.


Hebrews 13:5 (b) "Never will I leave you, never will I forsake you."  When your back is against the wall and only have one leg to stand on, He will always come to comfort you.  He will never leave you comfortless!  Through this experience, I have learned to trust in Him, even when things seem dark and bleak. I began to lean on him for my healing, and I allowed Him to make me new again and help me become the woman that He wanted me to become.

It Is Finished....It's Over

Part 5...

Summer 2009.  Our marriage was pretty much non-existant.  We still went to church together, and visited family, but no one ever knew what was going on behind closed doors.  It was so hard for me to smile in their face, but deep down inside I was hurting.  I felt unloved, unappreciated, and just plain ugly.  Sometimes I would build up the courage to try to talk to him and see if he's willing to work things out, but, as usual, it would backfire and we would start to argue.  It got to the point that during heated arguments, I would throw things, slam doors and even yelled out, "You might as well divorce me because you don't love me."  I knew it was getting ready to end, but Jonathan* did something that really just broke the straw off the camel's back...

One day during the summer, he stepped out to go to the store.  I had my unctions that maybe he could be cheating on me, so I went on the computer and started searching.  His email box was open so I started looking in the sent messages.  Lo, and behold, he was talking to a female behind my back telling her that he can't wait to see her again when he gets back to Maryland. WHAT??!!  I was heated. Ok, so he wants to talk to other females but won't talk to me...ok, I thought.  I proceed to check his Myspace account and found out that he was talking to several other women, all with big boobs and big butts and he's asking them out on dates.  At this point, I think I was more upset than shocked.  I had a feeling that he could have been creeping around on me, but I didn't think that he would stoop this low, especially from a man that "loves the Lord and wants to be obedient." I wanted to confront him about this.  I made up in my mind that I was going to do so.

When he arrived home, I pretended that everything is fine. I left the Myspace and his email account up so that I can show him that I know what's he's doing in the dark.  I asked him if he's being unfaithful.  And of course, he looks at me as if I lost my mind.  I turned on the computer monitor and showed him. He was silent.  "How dare you do this to me! I know we are struggling right now, but it still doesn't give you the right to do this!" I yelled.  This is what he said in response: "Why did you go into my email account? You invading my privacy. I haven't met up with none of those women on MySpace so I haven't been unfaithful."  At this point, I told him I was through.  I wanted a divorce and I'm moving out next week.  I took off my ring and threw it in his face.  He gets up and pushes me to the ground and tells me, "If that's what you want, fine!" I sat there and cried, but I quickly wiped my tears, grabbed my phone and called my dad.  I told him everything that happened and told him that *Jonathan put his hands on me.  My dad was heated. He told me that I can stay with him until I get on my feet.  A few moments later, Jonathan* storms in the bedroom where I was at and asked, "Why did your father threaten me? You did this Lavena! You made him do this!"  What did my dad do? My dad left a very threatening message on his phone, saying, "She told me you put your hands on her. Well, I'll be there in 10 minutes. Let's see if you put your hands on me. You must be ready to die." To be honest, I was glad that my dad said that because I wanted *Jonathan to taste his own medicine.  I can tell he was scared.  I called my dad and told him not to come over. I got it from here.  It took everything in my power to make my dad stay home.

That next week, as I was packing, I was on craigslist looking to see if anyone responded to the furniture I was selling.  I saw my ring on a post that had *Jonathan's contact info.  He was trying to sell it for $100! Wow! I was mad, but I told myself it really doesn't even matter anymore.  He can do what he wants with it.  I finished packing, told *Jonathan goodbye, and left...for good.  When I arrived at my dads, he told me to stay as long as I wanted. He had a room for me and told me that everything is going to be alright and not to worry about *Jonathan. He will reap what he sown.  I heard my dad, but I let it go in one ear and out the other. I went into the spare room, crashed on the bed, and cried my heart out.  For three years, I dealt with the abuse from him.  Why did I stay so long?  Why didn't I pay attention to the signs early on in our relationship?  I felt depressed and guilty.  My self-esteem and confidence was non-existant.  I didn't know what to do anymore. I knew one thing: If no one loves me, then I must not be worth anything to this world.

A month later, I received an email from *Jonathan.  He stated that he didn't want a divorce but he just wanted to separate for a little while until he got himself together. He said that God hates divorce and if I want a divorce then I should file the paperwork, but he's not going to do it. What? So you want me to wait on you? Heck NO! If you don't want to be with me, then fine. I will file the paperwork, I thought.  A couple of days later, I received another email from him.  As I read, he said something that really just drove me crazy. He said that he was abused when he was a kid and didn't know how to talk to anybody about it. But then, he turned the blame on me and said that I always came at him wrong when I wanted to talk about his past.  At this point, I really gave up.  I threw in the towel. I didn't want anything to do with him and I didn't want anything to do with God.  Why would God put me through all of this?  Now, this man is saying that he was abused, but I constantly tried to talk to him and told him that I would help him through this, but he still blames me for everything!!  I lost my mind.  I had no sense of self.  I was ready to do the inevitable.....commit suicide.

Tune in for part 6. *Name is withheld.