He Proposed to Me

In May of 2013, Larnell travelled to VA so that we may meet each other in person.  I must say, I was quite nervous meeting him, but once I saw him he had such a calmness about him. A very laid back brother. All the worry and the nerves disappeared and I was able to relax. He met my family, but he really hit it off with my father, which was a shock to me.

When Larnell and I arrived at my father's house, I was hoping that my dad wouldn't say anything crazy to Larnell to scare him off, but knowing him he would! My dad asked him, "What are your intentions with my daughter? She's been hurt before, so if you plan to do that, then leave. She'll get over it." I looked at my dad like he was crazy. Larnell's response was right on point. He told my dad that he really loves me and have no intention on hurting me. He also told him that this courtship will let him know if it is worthy of a marriage. Then, my father said ok. He looked at me and said that he wanted to talk to Larnell alone and told me to go to the mall. Wow! When I left, I couldn't help but wonder what my dad said to him. After an hour, I returned and found them laughing and listening to old school music! I was in shock, but happy that he was getting along with my dad.

August 22, 2013, I arrived in Omaha, Nebraska to meet his family. We all went to Cheddar's for dinner. I had the opportunity to meet his mom, sister, her two children and his daughter. She was as cute as she could be. I started to think that since his family was here, maybe he would propose. Since we've been courting, there was discussion about marriage and children. He even asked me for my ring size. So, I just knew that he would propose. But as the evening went on, nothing happened. I stopped getting my hopes up and tried to let it go. Later on that night, he took me to downtown Omaha.  I noticed that he kept smiling at me as we were walking. Wondering why he was doing that, we walked up to this beautiful horse and carriage. I was so caught up in looking at the horse that I didn't even notice him talking to the owner.  He came back to me and told me we were going to ride on it.  My eyes lit up! It was very romantic. We rode around town and came up to this place were you can see a fountain shooting up water and changing colors. We got out and Larnell took my hand and we walked towards it. In the sky, I could see a full moon and a few stars. It was truly magical. He then began to recite the most beautiful poem I ever heard: 

I Call Her Queen

A lovely lady that command respect when she step up on the scene..her beauty flows from inside out like a steady stream..dressed in elegance & class with a polished appearance..the smell of her aroma standout like sweet incense, one look in her eyes and I'm completely convinced "her grass", "bright" green on her side of the fence(a caretaker) "Lord", let me help water her lawn,(lol) I know I ain't got good sense, but I been captivated by this vision ever since..a desire planted in my heart.."I Call Her Queen"..Love rock the finest linen, most importantly she God fearing and divinely driven..she so sincere, always givin'..finding her is like rare treasure that's hidden, my queen where are you? maybe you already near? or perhaps you're in a far off distance my dear..my longing is after you night & day, for you my love I continually pray..your king is preparing for you, that appointed time and day..I can imagine, I bet you like to have fun and play..and out of your mouth have the most pleasant words to say..gentleness embedded in your d.n.a...hand-carved in perfection..heavenly is the way of your direction..you radiate light in His reflection..I'm blown away, gone with the wind just from the thought of you being my helpmate, lover and friend..you were overlooked and passed up by many men, you tested em' through patience therefore, they didn't stick around to the end.."I Call Her Queen"..wisdom & honor engraved on her crown..a woman of excellence, firmly stable and sound, uniquely created with prestige, down to earth, she humbly bless the ground..the makeup of her essence is submissive, whispers of softness define her strength, pure goodness she models purity, my love establishes a brotha with security..a lady of virtue..may she reign, her love is royal..fit for a king...my future wife...I call her queen!

He turned to me and said that he loved me and didn't want to live another day without me. He asked me to marry him and of course I said Yes! What a well-thought out proposal! It was truly a night I'll never forget.

A Special Valentines Day

In the beginning of 2013, I've been asking the Lord about a spouse. I've forgiven my ex-husband, received the much needed healing from Him and moved on. Little did I know what the Lord had in store for me...


On February 8, 2013, I invited a couple over to my home for dinner. I began to share with them that I have been praying and asking the Lord about a spouse and wondering when will He bless me, or even if its time yet. *Sandy shared with me that the Lord heard my prayers and he will send my spouse when the timing is right. We prayed together, and she stopped and looked at me. She said, "My future spouse doesn't live in VA, but in another state." What?! I looked at her very strange because there was NO way I would date anyone that doesn't live in the same state I'm in. I could never do a long distance relationship. I laughed a little and told her I will have to hear God on that before I made that kind of move. She said, "Ok, definitely pray about it, but that's what I hear the Lord saying."  That same night, I couldn't sleep. I kept thinking about what she said and wondering how true that was. I prayed to the Lord and told Him to confirm that Word to me so that I know it's from you. If not, then help me to hold on and wait on you. I fell asleep and had a dream about a guy I met on Facebook named Larnell Marion, whom I've connected with in 2012. All I knew was that he was follower of ExMinistries. We never really spoke to each other, but liked each other's statuses and commented every once in a while on Facebook. In this dream, we were riding in the car listening to music, laughing and joking around. I could see that we were traveling somewhere, but I couldn't see the road signs. Then, there was another scene where we went to a beautiful restaurant. As we sat across from each other, he looked me in my eyes and told me that he loved me and wanted to be with me.  I immediately woke up from the dream. I was in shock that I even had a dream about this guy and we never really talked to each other! I asked the Lord about it, but then laughed it off because I just knew that it was too good to be true...

On February 13th, I received a message on Facebook from the same guy I had a dream about the other day. He asked me about a DVD that ExMinistries released. I answered him and I looked at his profile. Ironically, it stated that he was from Omaha, Nebraska. Omaha?! What's out there? I thought. Still, I was shaking my head because I just couldn't see myself dating someone that far away. Plus, I told myself that he's probably not interested in me, so I let it go. The next day was Valentine's Day. I didn't allow this day to get me all upset and thinking that I didn't have anyone to celebrate it with. In fact, I took myself out for dinner and enjoyed my own company. Later that day, I received another message from Larnell. He asked me if I enjoyed my Valentines Day. Next thing I know, he was asking questions about me, as if he was interested. I was surprised! I couldn't believe what I was seeing! We were messaging each other for quite a while, and although I liked what I heard from him, I still prayed and asked God if he wasn't the one You prepared me for, remove him. Show me the red flags so that I won't make the same mistakes again.

The next day, Larnell messaged me and asked me for my phone number.  We talked and I told him that I was praying about him and seeing what the Lord says. He laughed and said, "That's funny, because I been praying and telling the Lord to remove you if you are not the one!" Wow! I have NEVER heard a man say that to me, let alone prayed about me. I was impressed. This man met all of my strict criteria. He was everything I prayed for. I knew that only time would tell if this friendship would develop into a relationship. The following week, he asked me if we could begin courting each other. So far, I haven't seen any red flags telling me to run and it seemed as if the Lord had something to do with this union. I felt at peace about accepting this courtship, even though he was in another state. He said he wanted to meet me face to face, so we agreed that he would fly out in May. After I got off the phone with him, I called my closest girlfriends with the news. I was excited and my heart was racing. It felt so good knowing that I was in a courtship with a God-fearing man that truly adored me and loved me for who I am. I praised the Lord for what he has done!  I was looking forward to see how this union would blossom...

*Name has been withheld.

The Lord Warned Me And I Obeyed

I received an unexpected message from someone....didn't know what it was truly all about, but I am glad that the Lord warned me beforehand...

The year 2013 has finally come!  I have worked hard to stay focused on the Lord and I also had the opportunity to learn myself.  I began to implement things that I haven't done in a while because I was busy trying to please other people.  Once a month, I took myself out to a nice restaurant and ate a delicious meal all by myself....and IT FELT WONDERFUL!  At first, I wasn't able to do this, but I'm so glad I gained enough confidence to do it and not feel bad about it.  I took myself to the movies on numerous occasions and traveled to places that I never been.  I was growing as an individual and enjoying being single.

One night, I prayed to the Lord that I was beginning to love being single and I would continue to wait on him to send the one for me.  I was satisfied with my progress and determined to press on!  The next day, January 17, 2013, I received a Facebook message.  It was from *Jonathan.  I was a bit shocked, but my guard was up.  He asked how I was doing and recommended me a book to read that he believed would "revolutionize my understanding and save me from the strong delusion in the last days that he thinks we are in." I almost laughed when I saw this because I found it very interesting for him to send me this type of message, considering that we haven't talked in a while.  I told him that the ministry I was under was helping me to understand the signs of the times and I will pray about it and see if that's what the Lord wants me to read now. Take care. For some reason, I felt like maybe he feels it is his responsibility to protect me, which that is no longer his job. So I asked him about it.  He said that he felt convicted introducing me to things that really wasn't God.  I told him thanks, but the Lord is now protecting and covering me from such things. Once again, take care.  He said that he's not going to become an "overprotective brother", he's just trying to help.  I see what he was trying to do, but it didn't sit too well with me.  Why would he just come into my life, out of the blue, about something like this?  I didn't understand it and I wasn't going to rack my brain about it, so I left it alone.

A couple of weeks later, I had a dream that I was inside of a church.  Everyone was standing up as the speaker begin to pray. I looked around and there were all kinds of people from different cultures.  The sight was beautiful.  As the speaker asked us to please be seated, someone put their arm around my chair.  I looked to the right, and it was *Jonathan.  At first it didn't look like him.  He was dressed in a three-piece suit, very clean and looked smaller.  He had a smile on his face and said, "Hey Lavena."  I was startled.  I couldn't believe what I was seeing.  I asked him, "What are you doing here?" He said, "I came to see you...I miss you." WHAT??!! My mouth dropped wide open.  He came towards me and hugged me.  His embrace didn't feel right.  I looked over his shoulder and I could see some of the women in the church.  Their looks said that they knew something wasn't right.  I began to cry, and he started crying.  I coughed and he coughed.  It seemed as if whatever I did, he mocked me! I pulled away from him, and he still had a smile on his face.  I stepped back from him and I began to listen to the praise team.  As I lifted my hands in worship. *Jonathan raised his hands and grabbed my right hand and tried to interlock it with his.  I looked at him, and once again, he had a smile on his face...then I woke up in the middle of the night.  I immediately prayed and cried out to God asking him what was it about.  The next morning, I remember hearing the Lord say, "It is a distraction." That's all I heard. I kept that response with me.  The next day, I was at work, and I wasn't feeling well.  I asked my boss if I could go home.  When I arrived at my home, I received a message from Facebook stating "Jonathan has requested you to add him as a friend."  I couldn't believe it! Why did he want to become "friends" with me? I knew that I wasn't going to add him, but I was curious as to why he did that.  I messaged him, asking that very question.  He said, "God has brought me great conviction through His Word. He has encouraged me to do so. You don't have to accept it." Well, that makes no sense, I thought. I told him that I'll think about it but not sure if I want to.  Couple minutes later, he said, "I cancelled the request because I didn't think that my friend request would put you on edge considering God encourages it." I laughed to myself because I could see what he was up to. He was trying to make me feel guilty for not accepting his friend request!  This is a common tactic for him, but I wasn't going to fall for it this time. Then, he says, "Divorce and Remarriage is Adultery. He encourages reconciliation; otherwise, live a holy single life free on any type of committed relationships." Is he really trying to take me through a guilt trip? This dude is crazy! He also said that he still cared about me, which I found to be interesting.  I really didn't know how to respond at the time, so I told him I'll get back to him, but he kept on going. Right then, I remembered what the Lord said. "It is a distraction." I regained my focus and began to look at the scriptures concerning divorce and remarriage.  Matthew 19:7-12 states,

They say unto him, Why did Moses then command to give a writing of divorcement, and to put her away?  He saith unto them, Moses because of the hardness of your hearts suffered you to put away your wives: but from the beginning it was not so. And I say unto you, Whosoever shall put away his wife, except it be for fornication, and shall marry another, committeth adultery: and whoso marrieth her which is put away doth commit adultery. His disciples say unto him, If the case of the man be so with his wife, it is not good to marry. 11 But he said unto them, All men cannot receive this saying, save they to whom it is given. For there are some eunuchs, which were so born from their mother's womb: and there are some eunuchs, which were made eunuchs of men: and there be eunuchs, which have made themselves eunuchs for the kingdom of heaven's sake. He that is able to receive it, let him receive it.

This scripture helped me realize that although the scriptures says "It is not good to marry," that doesn't necessarily mean that I'm sinning if I decide to do so. I have seen countless people re-marry due to unfaithfulness in their previous marriages and the Lord has blessed it, so I knew the Lord would do the same for me. I shared this with him, and his response was "1 Corinthians 7."  He kept throwing scriptures at me, but he failed to realize that he was already unfaithful in the marriage, due to the lack of us consummating.  And because we never consummated, we was never really married, except by paper.  We were just "living" together.  His response was, "I'm glad your conscience is free."  After that, I knew and understood well what this man was up to, so I told him goodnight, but instead, he kept going. He goes on to say that he prays that I meet the one God has for me and he is glad that I am able to move on without conviction. He just wanted me to know that he still cares for me. He just wants to please God.  At this point, I tried to tell him that I forgiven him a while ago and I have nothing against him.  The past is the past and I learned from it. I told him goodbye and I went to sleep.  The next morning, I found out that he blocked me!

I began to thank God for helping me to see the distraction and not fall for it.  I'm so glad I obeyed him, because the "old" me would have probably allowed him back into my life.  One thing I learned is that I can forgive someone, but that doesn't mean that I have to be friends with them.  There was no way I could even allow him in my life again.  It was best that we both move on with our lives.

The Ultimate Test

Jesus said in Matthew 6:14 (NIV) that "If you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you."  How many times have we, as Christians, say that we forgive someone for doing us wrong?  What if we were put to the ultimate test to prove that we have forgiven them?  I was put in a difficult situation where I had to choose to obey God or be disobedient...I obeyed God:

In July of 2012, I was invited to travel with a group of friends to a marriage conference held in Atlanta, Georgia.  I thought that it would be good for me to go so that I can learn more from those who have been married longer than I have, and to also have a good time.  I was told that I needed to register on Facebook to be included in the total count.  I went to the conference event page and it had a list of all who were attending.  As I looked through it, my mouth dropped wide open when I saw who was coming.  MY EX-HUSBAND! I clicked on his name and it said that he now lives in Atlanta, Georgia.  I couldn't believe it!  I immediately changed my mind and decided not to go because I didn't want to see his face.  I told my friends and they strongly suggested that I still should attend.  They believed that it could possibly bring some closure.  I battled with that for a while, but when it came close to the conference date, I decided to go ahead and attend.

As I was riding in the back seat of my friends car, I couldn't help how nervous I was seeing my ex again.  I knew that I had forgiven him, especially when he called me out the blue and apologized for everything, but seeing him again?  I didn't think I was ready for that.  I guess my forgiveness for him was about to be tested. As we arrived in Atlanta, my heart started to beat even faster.  My hands were clammy and all kinds of thoughts were in my head.  What if he brings another girl? What if he  ignores me? I had to hurry up and cast down those thoughts because we had arrived at the church the conference was being held at.  I stepped inside the church and I looked around to see if I see him. So far, no sign of Johnathan*.  I was relieved, but still was on edge thinking that maybe he will show up.  Later, as I was trying to listen to the speakers, every time I heard a door open and close, I would turn around to see if was coming. No sign of him.  I was so distracted by this, that I could hardly pay attention to what was being said.  I knew that I needed to let him go.  Even if he does show up, I needed to be totally free to the point that I could tolerate being in the same room with him. I WANTED FREEDOM. As day one of the conference was getting ready to end, they called up ministers to the alter to pray for anyone that needed deliverance or healing.  I made my way to the front and I had this couple, whom I just met a month ago, pray for me.  I told them what the situation was and as they prayed for me, the lady said to me, "God is preparing you for your husband, but you must allow the Lord to heal you.  He has you alone right now so that he may deal with you."  Then, her husband said, "God is covering you with a veil, only to be released when the timing is right."  Last thing I know, I was on my knees asking the Lord for healing and deliverance.  I went to sleep that night in peace knowing that the Lord has me in the palm of his hand.

The next day, as I was at the church for day two of the conference, I was thankful that I finally had the opportunity to really listen and to engage.I was at peace, whether he showed up or not.  Later on in the day, I heard the Lord say to me, "Call him and ask for forgiveness." What?! I thought that maybe I wasn't hearing from the Lord, so I ignored it.  Then, 15 minutes later, I heard it again.  I finally gave in and said, "Ok, if that's you speaking to me Lord, give me the strength and courage to do so."  I stepped outside of the church and proceeded to call Johnathan*.  Surprisingly, he answered.  I took a deep breath and begin to apologize to him for all that I have done in the marriage. I began to share how the Lord dealt with my issues and showed me who I was. I then asked for his forgiveness.  There was dead silence on the phone.  He said, "Wow, Lavena, you are a strong woman to do this. And yes, I forgive you." Then, I heard the Lord say, "Pray for him." So, I did. Next thing I know, I heard Johnathan's voice change, as if he was crying.  He thanked me and told me that I would make a great wife to a good man.  It truly blessed my heart to hear him say that to me. I was glad that I obeyed God instead of obeying my feelings. It truly brought closure between us and I felt like I can move on and walk out my deliverance.  I knew that I was maturing in the Lord quicker than I thought...

The Healing Begins

James1:1-4 says, "Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, never you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."  Even though the things I been through was a result of my own bad decisions, the consequences of my choices helped me to become more mature as a woman.  I thank God that I faced these situations and I don't regret it at all.  But, there comes a time in which you must heal from the devestation so that you can move forward. As I share this part of my story, read how the Lord began to heal me from my previous marriage...

December 2011.  I remember it was New Years eve.  I didn't attend church like I normally would.  I decided to stay home at my dad's to reflect on all the things I been through.  I was overwhelmed and was filled with grief and sorrow.  I cried to the Lord asking him, "What is it Lord? What do you want me to do? The last man didn't work so are you trying to tell me that I need to get back with my ex-husband? Or, do you want me by myself? Please show me the way, because my way isn't working!" And, for the longest time, I was on my knees waiting for an answer.  I eventually fell alseep.

The next morning was January 1, 2012.  It was a Sunday, so I prepared myself to attend church.  I had it in my mind that I was going to be alone until the Lord sends someone.  Not even a few minutes after I though that, I received a text message.  I was shocked to see who it was from.  It was Jonathan*!  He asked if he could speak with me.  What??!! I thought. We haven't talked since the divorce, so what does he want now?! I really didn't want to talk with him, but something told me to listen to him. So, I texted him back and told him to call me.  As I was driving, Jonathan called.  This is what he said:

"I know you are surprised to hear from me, but the Lord told me to call you today.  I just want to say that I am sorry.  I know we both made mistakes in our marriage, but I take the blame for most of it.  I should have never put you through that and I am genuinely sorry.  I've been praying that God would bless you with a better man than I ever was to you.  You are a queen Lavena, and I pray that one day you can forgive me. The Lord told me to tell you to let me go."

WOW! I couldn't believe what I was hearing out of this man's mouth.  After all the years of him blaming me for everything, he openly admits that he was wrong.  I was in shock.  I had to pull my car to the side because the tears began to stream down my face.  I told him thank you and I forgive him. After hanging up, I sat there and began to praise the Lord for answering my prayers so quickly!  Just the other night, I asked Him what I should do, and I found out from the horse's mouth!  From that point on, is where the healing began for me.  The Lord really worked on my heart and began to mold it back together.  All the hurt and pain that I was dealing with was being washed away.  This is what I needed in order to learn myself all over again and enjoy being single.  He also blessed me in the midst of it.

In February, my stepfather called and told me that he seen a house for rent on the next street from their house and was wondering if I'd be interested in checking it out.  I told him sure.  He found out that the house was a two bedroom, one bath and the owner wanted $900 a month.  I told him I couldn't afford it, but he said to hold on and he would contact the owner himself.  A week later, he gave me the number to the owner and told me to give her a call. She wanted to meet me.  So, I met this sweet old lady at the local McDonalds.  She asked me if I was one of those girls that have men in and out of the house! Hilarious, but I answered politely, no. She also asked if I'm responsible.  I told her yes I am and told her that I was interested in the house, but it was a little too steep for me.  And to my surprise, this lady asks me, "Well, can you afford $450 a month?" Yes, you heard me right! $450 a month!  I was so happy and told her I ACCEPT! My stepfather helped me with the deposit and I moved in a couple weeks later.  God had truly looked out me and knew that I needed to be on my own.  As time went by, I learned even more about myself and really enjoyed being single.  I started taking myself to the movies and once a month, I went to a nice restaurant by myself!  It felt so good and I didn't feel crazy at all.  It gave me confidence in who I am as a woman and in Christ.  I knew who I was and I wasn't going to change it for no one else.  Even though there were times where I felt lonely, but I knew I was never alone.  The Lord began to place some dynamic women of God, that were single, in my life to help me along the way.  I've enjoyed every bit of it and thanked God for what he was doing in me.

I've Been Set Free by God

This is a follow-up to my previous post, "My Secret Addiction".  I will now share how the Holy Spirit delivered me and helped me to stay free...

I finally gave up.  I wanted the Lord to break me away from the bondage that this addiction brings.  I cried out to him and even fasted for a period of time, just so I could die to the flesh and hear from Him. When I tell you the Lord showed up, He did.  He allowed me to connect with someone, who, I thought I would never connect to in a million years. I won't share who this person is due to privacy, but I thank God over and over again for this person that was in my life.  I remember openly admitting to them about my addiction. They said, "If you want to be free, you will stay free."  That stuck with me for a long time.  They ended up inviting me to their ministry, and I eventually went there for the first time in October of 2011.  This ministry was quite different than what I was use to.  It was in a bible study setting, but there was no praise and worship, just prayer and reading the Word.  When I heard this person teach, it grabbed my soul.  I have never heard someone expounded on scripture with such clarity and boldness.  This person was tough.  Didn't play any games with the devil and was quick to let you know when you are out of order.  Even though it was initially hard for me to hear it, it was the truth and it changed me to the core.  I remember them praying over me and I literally felt something leave my body.  I knew it was the spirit of perversion that was comfortable inside of me.  I was never the same again.

As I began to walk out my deliverance, I began to understand what kept me bound in the first place.  First, I wasn't praying as diligently as I should have.  The bible tells us to pray without ceasing, pray fervently. I was only praying when I got scared or felt guilty.  I should have been praying daily, and asking the Lord to help me with self control and resist the devil.  But instead, I allowed the enemy to have free reign to come in and out of life as he pleased.  Second, I wasn't reading and meditating over the Word of God. The Word is our daily bread.  When we don't feed our spirit man with the Word, eventually it will be mal-nutrient.  Just like if we don't feed our physical man with food, it will grow weak and feeble.  I began to study scriptures to help me break free:

• James 4:7 "Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you."
• Phillipians 4:8 "Finally brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report, if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things."
• 2 Corinthians 10:5 "Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ."

There are certainly more scriptures that have helped me, but these top three helped me to stay focused.  

Third, I didn't have an accountability partner.  Having accountability eliminates the secrecy and pride.  I remember when I first told a girlfriend of mine that was battling with this, she told me that if I ever struggle like that again, she told me to reach out her, no matter what time it is. She told me that she would never look down on me if I slipped and fell.  It definitely took me some time to learn to do this, but I eventually began confessing to her when I did fall. Once I understood that, it became a little easier for me to continue to walk out my deliverance.

 Unchecked sin is strengthened by pride, and pride strengthens unchecked sin.  Simple confession can actually feed that cycle; accountability breaks it.

Now, trust me, I won't sit here and say that I didn't ever struggle with this addiction again. I have fell many times in the past, but I continued to press on and stayed focused.  I continued to call on the Lord to help me through.  I even opened up to a few more female friends whom I knew would pray for me and be there for me when I need them.  And, I thank God for them still to this day.

Please remember, you do not have to struggle with this alone.  There are people out there to help you through this.  If you feel the need to share with someone, I'll be the first to provide a listening ear.  If you are connected to me on facebook, please inbox me, or feel free to email me at vena2g@yahoo.com.  I am willing to do whatever it takes to help you walk out in freedom.  Remember, whom the son sets free is free indeed!  You won't have to go through deliverance over and over again! Don't let the enemy isolate you and make you feel like something is wrong with you because of this addiction.  I personally know a couple of females who are or have battled with this same thing.  YOU ARE NOT ALONE.  If you are in need of resources, here are some websites that have helped me and I'm sure it will help you too:

• www.beggarsdaughter.com  - great blog of a woman who battle with a porn addiction
• www.settingcaptivesfree.com - great website where you can take a 60 day interactive course to help you break free.  you can also email someone (accountability partner) your answers to the questions you will be asked daily.
• www.covenanteyes.com - an overall great resource and provides software for you to install to block the websites.
• www.porn-free.org - an overall great resource.

My Secret Addiction

For as long as I can remember, I have battled with feelings of loneliness.  I didn't like being by myself, so I would always seek to find someone to be with.  And, even when I was in a relationship, I still felt very alone.  There have been many times when I've allowed the wrong thoughts to control my every move.  And, yes, Satan took full advantage of it, to the point where I became very addicted to making sure that I was satisfied...regardless.  I had an addiction....to pornography. Here is my story:

It all started when I was around 14 years old.  At this age, I've often dealt with low self esteem, not feeling wanted or pretty.  I was really good at covering up how I felt, and chose not to share it with anyone because I thought they wouldn't understand.  I often felt as if I had to remain strong around my friends and not show any signs of weakness.  I was also complimented by teachers on how mature I've carried myself and how I've always kept a smile on my face.  But no one could ever see the pain I was dealing with behind the smile.  No one ever knew that I went home broken, almost everyday from school.  One Saturday night, I remember I stayed up longer than I should have.  I was flipping through the channels and I came across a movie with two people having sex.  But, it didn't look like it was normal.  It was more shown than a typical movie that shows love scenes.  My eyes lit up and I was instantly engaged, so much so to the point that I found out that every Saturday around that time, this channel plays these kind of movies.  I made it my point to watch it again. Slowly, the grasp of this was pulling me closer.

As I got a little older, I noticed how I would find time to be alone.  Even while I attended VA State, I've watched it over and over again, almost daily.  I've downloaded movies and stashed it on my computer. No one ever knew about it.  When I gave my life to Jesus in March of 2005, I've learned in the bible that this was a type of sexual sin.  I knew it was wrong, but I felt like I was in too deep.  I should have reached out for help.  I had mature saints all around me, but I felt so bad to even discuss it.  You don't ever hear about women battling with pornography. With those thoughts in mind, I kept watching it and this time, I went even further....I masturbated to get the satisfaction I needed.

As time went on, the urge grew and I became addicted.  It got to the point where sometimes I couldn't get through the day without having some type of video playing and replaying in my head of what I've watched.  By the time I met my ex-husband, I knew that I had to stop watching it.  I never told him that I had a problem.  I assumed that if I pray, it would go away.  As soon as we were married, I've worked very hard to make sure that I don't ever watch it again.  But, as problems arose in the intimacy department of our marriage, it seemed as if porn was at the fore front of my mind.  I wasn't being pleased by him at all, so I found myself masturbating.  I remember confessing to him that I have done things and he told me that I was selfish and that was sodomy (yeah I know that's not what it means now).  As he continued to blame me, a took it up to another level. I started watching porn again, and he never knew anything about it.

I remember when I was introduced to G. Craige Lewis of ExMinistries in 2006, I was completely blown away by this man who stated that the music you are listening to has an effect on you. Sure, I believed that the Rap did, but I had no idea that RnB affects you as well.  In another DVD, he talked about the spirits of Sucubus and Incubus and how they intermingle with each other to visit you in the night, especially if you were involved in any kind of perversion, i.e. pornography to try to take advantage of you.  I was terrified and couldn't believe that these type of spirits were real, yet alone have names.  So, I prayed and asked the Lord to help me break free from the porn addiction.  Well, one night, I don't know if I was dreaming, but I remember something being on top of me and holding my mouth shut. I saw a huge, dark figure with wings.  I screamed to the top of my lungs, but it was as if no one could hear me.  I felt like I couldn't breathe.  This being was literally riding me and it hurt so bad.  It felt as if I was being raped.  I woke up breathing very heavy and I cried terribly.  I knew that I needed to talk to someone about what I experienced, but once again, the thoughts of condemnation were in my head.  So, I isolated myself from everyone because I didn't want anybody to sense that something was wrong with me.

I hid this addiction for several years after that experience.  I got into another relationship with a guy named Mike* in September 2010.  Crazy thing about this one is that he told me that he was addicted to porn as well.  We vowed to help each other with this.  Mike* downloaded software on my computer and set a password to block all porn sites.  I've done the same on his computer, but it didn't make it any better because we were having sex all the time.  So, that only made matters worse.  I started attending his church where he served as a Deacon.  It dawned on me that maybe he shouldn't be serving until he broke free from this.  But, I never said anything because I was dealing with the same thing myself.  In September of 2011, he invited me to come visit him in Indiana as he was sent there by his job to train.  He flew me out and we had a wonderful time.  The night before it was time for me to fly back home, I asked him if I could use his computer to check-in.  As soon as I typed the website, I seen a link that obviously pointed to porn.  I was in shock.  I didn't know how he figured out my password so that he now has access.  I immediately got mad and told him about it.  He said that he didn't know how to fight off the urges of being alone without me so he slipped up.  I had no mercy for him.  I felt unappreciated and unwanted.  It didn't dawned on me that I was doing the same thing he was doing, so how can I condemn him? I couldn't.  I remember going to sleep that night and I had a dream that Mike* walked up to my bed.  He said in a deep voice "what are you trying to do to me? what are you trying to do to me?!"  He then grabbed me by the throat and I literally felt like I was being lifted off the bed. His grip was so tight that I couldn't breathe.  I woke up and I told Mike* the dream.  He said he would never do that to me, but I knew that this addiction was deeper than I thought.  I knew I needed help. I wanted to freedom.  So, we eventually broke up and from there, I made up my mind that I wanted to be free, and I was going to be alone and not get into another relationship until the Lord released me.

Please stay tuned as I share how I got free from this addiction tomorrow.  I will also provide resources that has helped me along the way in my deliverance.  If any woman who is reading this post and is battling with the addiction to porn, please note that YOU ARE NOT ALONE.  We don't talk about this touchy subject as often as we should, and therefore many women don't know how to break free.  But, I have determined in my mind to share this story so that you may be healed and delivered as well.  Trust me, it is not an overnight process, but I PROMISE  you that Lord can and will help you through this!  I am here for you and willing to pray for you if need be.  If God can deliver me, he can deliver you!